the walls come tumbling down

today i made a discovery.
two, actually.

i found out that there are woods as part of a park within a ten-minute bike ride of my house. it's a lovely place. it's filled with trees, and the ground is filled with brown leaves that will crunch loudly under your feet, and there are all these flowers in bloom. so lovely indeed.
i intend to go there in times to seek peace. well, sometimes when i need peace anyway.
the trip back happens to be quite troublesome since the hill is so very steep.
but i guess it's worth it.

i also figured out that the best treatment for my back pain, which had just been getting worse with each day, was in fact, to do what caused it in the first place.
strangely.
but after bike riding today my back isn't so sore feeling. most of the pain is gone.
i think it might be because i'm working muscles i haven't quite used in a while, and so they get sore from it, but continuing to ride my bike will make them stronger.
also, the seat on the bike is about the worst kind of seat it could have, and that adds a lot to the pain, but my father plans on buying a better seat for his bike so he can give me back the seat that was originally on mine.

of course, now my neck is bothering me. *sigh*

anyway,
so the depression is back again. well, of course it is.
as expected.
i'm still learning, still learning.

oh, how i long to disappear into the night, in times like these.
my heart hurts and i'm on the verge of tears.
and i still have the feeling of something built up too much it's suffocating me.
more than that.
it fills up every fiber of my being until i don't know how it could build up anymore.
but i'm still here.
i haven't burst into pieces yet.


i started a drawing today that i think i will be happy with.
i haven't been happy with my writing or art lately.
so it will be a pleasant thing to create a piece that turns out well enough.

i think i must go on a walk soon. before it gets too dark.
i just want to cry out.

but there's nobody to hear me.

i miss love.
it's here in my life, but always in a distant form.
i want it close by again.
i really do.

at least, i will share it with you.

all my love,
Heather