Tuesday, March 16, 2010

dancing through green fields

and there he was, all brilliant blue eyes and soft hair, holding out his hand towards me.
visions of joy.
of beautiful times.
we danced, and danced, and we ran along, hand in hand. and i remembered what it was like to be free. to know how to really live. to know how to really love.
and the fields were just so green. so splendid.
so perfect in those moments.

this was my vision in meditation yesterday. it was a truly wonderful experience, to be there, with that lovely boy, in an all too tragic time, but knowing bliss as magnificent as ever.

and we were dancing.
and getting older.
and times were changing.
and tragedies unfolded.
and we were dancing.

so, i do love to dance. i'm quite passionate about it, but i keep it to myself generally. dancing for me is a nice way to just let go. a good stress reliever.

speaking of which, i had a small anxiety attack today. only small because i kept it under control. but i was rather stressed out from it, and thus:
i missed out on the appointment i was supposed to have today. *sigh*
we went to the wrong address, i forgot my insurance card, road construction, etc, etc. so i had to reschedule. oh yay, more waiting.
that's okay though. i can wait a bit longer, i guess. it's only 2 more weeks anyway.

all in all, today turned out to be decent. the early stress of the day faded and i got to float for a little while. i got out and did plenty of biking and walking. i did well enough on my eating today, and yesterday, too. that makes me happy because i've really been struggling with trying to diet and keep eating things i shouldn't, but now i'm really starting to get on track. i've learned that i just need to let myself cheat, and not put so much emphasis on it when i do. that way i don't get so stressed out if i happen to eat one thing i shouldn't. this way, it's better because when i get stressed out, all tends to fall apart, and i end up giving up on trying to be good about it. and then i just eat more and more of what i shouldn't.

it's interesting. i've been on the happy side the past two days. which is strange because i'm almost always feeling low, and nothing has really changed that recently.
and when i feel good, i do better with eating and exercise. not to mention, i tend to have more energy. and more control.
ooh, i definitely love days like these. hooray for happy days!

i thought today about how i love making people smile, and how there have been so many moments when i've done a really good job trying to cheer someone up. i really like doing little things that make others smile. even if i'm feeling low, i can always find it in me to try for someone else.
now i just have to try for myself, right?
oh, trust me, i am.
no, really.

i'm still learning. i'm still growing. i keep moving forward, sometimes back, but generally forward. i think i'll be able to make good progress.
i know things are being sorted out. and it's me who's doing the sorting.
even though i'm not totally self-sufficient, i've realized i still have a lot of control over what happens.
so i'm making the most of what i can, and taking action, and i know that will pay off.

i can definitely see where there's hope for me.

well isn't life just sweet sometimes? it might just be an acquired taste, though.

all my love,

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