tungsten, your element; everlast, your promise

there is something beautiful inside of me.
i feel it growing. i do.
there's just sometimes i have to wonder.
and sometimes i forget to dream.
to cherish what's in front of me.

and there you are...



so i haven't mentioned yet that i've been having this significantly troublesome pain most likely in one of my ovaries. i have a feeling it's probably PCOS since i was at risk for it not too long ago, and it fits with my symptoms well enough. i'm going to a doctor on the 16th so that we can figure out whatever it happens to be and begin the process of fixing whatever is wrong.
i must say it worries me. i guess because it could be something worse. but i always think of things like that, don't i? actually, i'm really more worried about the pain in general, and wondering if i've waited too long to see a doctor about it, and wondering if it could mean worse things. i wonder if there could be permanent damage that can't be fixed at all. and i wonder about the process i'll have to go through to get this issue fixed.
and i'm hoping it doesn't get shoved off by the doctor as something less than what it is.
and anyway, this could be very likely be related to my weight gain, so i wonder if losing weight might get easier again when this issue is resolved.
and who knows what else it could be affecting?

now usually, i would question myself about thinking i have a certain health issue or another like this, but i feel rather certain of this one being something significant. probably because of the pain. the pain is always there. i do my best to ignore it because pain reliever doesn't really help. and the pain gets so bad sometimes i end up hunched over on the ground, down on my knees, trying not to scream.

uh. uh. uh.
pain.




today is one of those rare days of beauty for me. and only the later half of the day i've been walking on air. there is light and stars are bright on the inside of my heart. the burning in my lungs is vibrant as ever, but doesn't hurt me like usual.
the spaces with parts missing go by without so much notice because the sweetness in the wind dissolves into them and fills the spaces gently. ever so gently.

i think i will go dance in the night. it is calling.



and while i'm thinking of it, as i'm listening, octjado is amazing. i love his music. he's a friend of mine i met in college.

you can go here and listen if you like: http://octjado.bandcamp.com/album/grey-spaces-in-a-flux

all my love,
Heather