Thursday, March 25, 2010

wounds get stitched up slowly

but surely.

it is possible, i've found, to gain back some of what i lost.
and that makes all the difference to me.

i finally found the words to explain myself to an old friend.
she asked some things, and after thinking, i was prompted to just express the feelings i had back then, somewhat expressing the way my mind works, or used to work anyway, before i grew and got away from some of the darker things.

granted, i still have my moments. but it's all in knowing how to deal with them.
and that's what i'm learning. and i'm growing with it.

and it makes me happy to be able to say i don't do all kind of crazy impulsive things i used to do.
for one thing, i don't cut anymore. haven't for a while now. i'm really glad i was able to break free of that addiction.
but really, i've found that it isn't so hard anymore.
my will-power is thriving.
as i think i mentioned, i've currently stopped biting my nails.
simple using my will to not to it anymore.
i haven't even had to wear gloves like i thought i would.
i just don't do it.

and it'll be nice once they're completely grown out again.
i'll feel proud of myself.
and i can show my mother and grandmother and everyone that i actually have nails for once, and they're real.
makes me wonder how long it takes to grow nails out...
but i can wait,
since i plan on not really biting my nails ever again.
this is just the beginning.
and though it's maybe only a small accomplishment, to me it is a big deal because of all the years i spent doing it, and how it shows that i'm making progress mentally, and emotionally, when i can keep myself from such a habit.

and i'm reading again. i picked up The Poisonwood Bible yesterday.
i have a hard time knowing what kind of books i'll read, but so far i like it. i should be able to finish it within 2 weeks. i'm trying to read around 50 pages per day.
i like giving myself goals, even just with reading and eating, and etc. it gives me something to do.
it's the way i get through things and accomplish what i want to.
it just seems to be a method that works for me.
i'm glad to have found something like that.
i know it will come in handy with school.

which, by the way, i take the entrance test tomorrow.
i also take a keyboarding test which i guess i'll be out in the lowest class because i don't type like how they teach people too. i do ype rather quickly though, as surprising as that might be.
i know the keyboard quite well though from typing so much. i usually don't even look at the keyboard when typing, even though i don't keep my hands in one place.

but i'm sure they'll want me to do it their way, so i'll just have to do it like that.
that's okay though.

i also get fitted for scrubs because that's the uniform i'll have to wear while i go to school there. at least, it should be comfortable. scrubs look like they'd be comfy.

i am excited about things coming up.
i have school.
but even before that i get to go visit my family in May, since me and my grandmother are going out for my sister's graduation.
that'll be fun.
i really miss everyone who lives out there.

oh, and next week is holy week.
i get to go to church every evening.
that'll be interesting.
but at least those church services will be short, or so my father claims.
and tonight is the last soup supper.
and this sunday is our "passion" sunday, which i'm looking forward to because it'll be different than other sunday services. and it's neat to do things differently sometimes.

last night i had practice with my father, and the girls who sing with me at the other church. we just went over the songs for this coming sunday.
but i felt good because we were practicing with microphones, and i had fun with it.
plus afterward, my father said that i did well.
he said that he wishes it could be like before, when he used to do it with two other guys, and they harmonized when they sang, but that i would've made a nice addition to that group.
okay, so he's my father, and it's not like he's going to tell me i'm horrible, but a lot of people at that church like the way i sing. the pastor's wife says i sing "like an angel."
now, i don't know about that, but i'm happy to be using my voice, and that i get to share it with others.
i love to sing. i just love expressing myself in that way. and it's wonderful that i can share that with others.
i'm able to really get into it at that particular church on sunday mornings, and that adds to my spiritual connection.
for me,
singing is always a spiritual experience.
it's yet another thing i've been doing since i was young.
something i really enjoy.
so i'm really glad i get to keep singing like this.

all my love,

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