Sunday, March 21, 2010

and I don't feel like I am strong enough

I'm broken when I'm open

today i'm feeling very confused, and lost, and my heart aches so much.
i am just so afraid of losing someone so dear. that's really all it is.
but my emotions have been all over the place recently. so it would seem, anyway.
i'm doing my best to work through it though.
and from what i can tell, there is reason to hope. things seem to be leaning towards what i want them to be. and that's helpful.
i just have to keep working at it.

it's hard to smile right now, mostly because i've cried so much today that my eyes feel heavy and tired.but i really think i have the strength i need somewhere. i always do, somehow, even though i can never be quite certain where it comes from.
but i'm trying. i'm doing the best i can.
i'm going about things the way i need to be, for the most part.

there are certain emotions that just seem to linger. almost like they're sewn in.
and i have to go through the long process of threading them out, lest i ruin the whole piece and only cause more misery for myself.
the whole thing is quite the task.
but i am working at it as diligently as i can.

i always feel like i have so much to handle.
and that's where i get stressed out.
and sometimes when i make an effort to do things that will benefit me, i also get that much more stressed out.
and that's when the chaos finds it way in. slips in. and bugs me over and over.
and threatens to destroy me.

but the good thing is, i'm very determined to not let that happen. and i pull myself together and fight it, and keep on going with life.

and i'm learning where there is joy, and where there is sorrow,
and actually,
my emotions seem more balanced, and more real.
like i actually have reasons behind them.

it makes them all the more beautiful. when they are so real, and i can flow with them rather than against, even the darker emotions.

so all in all,
i'm doing well.

i'm just having a down moment right now.
but that shall pass, i know.
i'm actually sad because of something instead of nothing
and that makes me feel a little bit better about it.
and it lets me know i will be able to get past it.

oh, and i looked through some reading lists online and made my own list of books i would like to read. i managed a list of 11 books.
so i went to the library online catalog to order the first one i felt like reading, The Poisonwood Bible. i actually thought of it on my own, remembering it was one i had wanted to read. i had simply forgotten about it, and didn't have it on the former list i made.
it's actually pretty neat the way the library system works here. i can go online and order a book from any of the libraries in the county system, and they get sent to the library i go to so i can just go there to pick them up.
i thought that was really cool, especially since the library i go to is really small, and their selection is rather limited.

in the meantime, Dear Sun hasn't gotten very far yet, but i'm working on it. i finally figured out more of how i want to write it. mixing the main character's natural voice with her more poetic voice is somewhat of a challenge, but today i figured out how i can mix the two correctly, so that it flows well.
right now i only have a little over 300 words, but i'll have plenty of chances to write more.
my goal is 50,000 words because that was the NaNoWriMo goal that i didn't reach, and i just think that's a good goal for a book.
i've just always wanted to finish a book. i don't care so much about trying to get it published.
hopefully, this is finally one i can.
i find it quite easy to write in this particular way. i flow better with it.
the style fits me so well that the words come a lot easier.
i'm looking forward to the journey it takes me on as well.

all my love,

i really wish i could write out, in a fabulous way, how much this certain person who reads my blog, just how much he means to me. when it comes to things between us, it's difficult, but i love him, regardless. i just hope he realizes i really do.

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