Sunday, March 28, 2010

love still believes when you don't

still on my Brandon Heath phase. yep.

and it's just rain rain raining outside right now. i was half-tempted to go out and stand in it like i do sometimes, but then decided against it. maybe some other time.

so i made it! one whole freaking week without biting my nails. so far i have a thin white rim on the tip of each one. i'm pretty sure that's a good sign. still probably have another week to go before i can paint them. i just gotta be patient. but it's weird to me because they already feel so long, even though they're still on the short side. that's how much i'm not used to having nails even this long.

today i've felt a bit out of whack. i don't know. i've been just slightly over the edge the entire day. and i can sure as heck feel it. being all edgy and shaken and trying not to freak out, even more so not to fall over or pass out. because that just never ends well.
right now i'm feeling slightly better, but also kinda sick to my stomach. ugh.

i'm running out of things to say these days. i don't always have something new.
oh, but today i started writing my first "Jesus" song, as i shall call it. i came up with the lyrics during the pastor's sermon today. go figure. i'll probably be working on the music to go with it after i finish this.

and today i noticed that smoke can look really cool, as i watched my incense burning. the way it curls and makes waves kind of like ribbon.
today it was tibetan orchid. it smells so good.
i also have raspberry rose and nirvana. they both smell quite good as well.
and the ashes are such a pretty grey color.
i love it. makes my room smell so nice.

today on my walk, i pondered my going to church. i kinda wonder if it's really right for me to go to church when i can't really say i'm christian. i mean, is believing in Jesus really enough? is having some of the same beliefs enough? does that really make it okay?
i'm sure you can imagine how in certain ways, i feel like i'm a fraud for being there. but it's still important to me to go. i get something out of it. and i feel like i've been giving something in return.
i truly feel blessed about some of the things that occur in my life. blessed by a certain higher power i will not give a name. and i like sharing that with others.
people like hearing about that stuff. it gives them hope sometimes.
and the church is like a family to me.
yet sometimes, i feel like i'm just being very selfish by going.
even though, ironically, the reason i started to go was on the unselfish side; it was for my father that i started going to church in the first place, since he works at both of them. and i know he really appreciates me going.

so i don't know.
am i a selfish fraud?
or am i a compassionate believer?
i guess i'm both in a way.

feel free to judge me.
no, seriously.
do it.
it's okay.
it's what i think of especially when i get on this topic, how others would judge me for being who i am and going to church. how, if people really knew what i believed in, i would be judged. it's sad because certain people wouldn't like me as much. certain people would have a problem with me.
it's kinda sad to think about. it's sad that religion can get in the way like that.
i'm glad to have found plenty of people in my life who can be friends with me for who i am, religion and all.

and so,
i am thankful for church. there's so much good there. so much for me. so much i gain from going. so much i can give and share by being there. and family time.

i am thankful for being able to be a little selfish. i used to think i couldn't be that way. i used to feel like i was bad if i acted selfishly. but i have to know when to do things for myself. when to look out for myself. that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. etc.

it really is okay.

all my love,

No comments:

Post a Comment