Thursday, August 5, 2010

if i Can, sir.

And he’s gone.

And the sun doesn’t shine. It’s right in my eyes, yet it seems no brighter than the sky. I don’t even blink. My eyes are two blank spectres trying to pry into any worthy shred of meaning.

The sky is not beautiful.

There is music streaming through my ears, but I barely hear it over the thunderous silence. And it is lost to me. This music is not the same. I cannot listen like I used to. I cannot feel it through my bones as before. It is just noise.
No longer sacred. No longer tender loving to my soul.

There is pain.

I feel it in my lungs like the air is somehow changed. It’s festering in my chest and to take it away would be to shut down. Close the doors and tape my eyes shut and forget how to breathe.
Because breathing is too much and words cannot suffice and eyes cannot see what is just not there.

And I cried.

I spent an hour and tried to remember. I spent an hour and tried to forget. I lost my will and my heart disappeared and the world fell apart but I was still there. Filled with hollow life. Left with nothing and a room of strange thoughts. Inconsistencies. Confusion falls through and leaves us lost, and somewhere far back lies the trail we thought we followed.

But I tried to realize myself.

Here I am deep in a forest of unknown. I try to find life and and my eyes swallow tragedy. I’m inhaling despair and exhaling a lack of meaning. But I see the sun and I feel the rain and I know I’m still here.

And I found nothing but hurt.

A burning hole and a sinking ship cannot fight the sea. I don’t know how to swim through sticks. I don’t recognize the designs of the raging current. I’m drowning through air and falling through space and sinking into dust. I’m upside down with all the blood to my toes and I’m walking on stones and collecting bruises.

So I stand up.

I wake up. It is morning. I’m here.

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