Thursday, August 12, 2010

why yes, i'm going to rant a little.

I hate being accused of things that just aren’t true about me. I hate it when people assume terrible things about me. I know I probably shouldn’t let it get to me since it’s all lies. But I can’t help it. It hurts. Especially in this instance. Because this is someone I cared about so much and all he seems to do now is talk shit about me. To me and other people. And I’m thinking, “I pretty much risked my life to be there for him and this is how he treats me?” It’s so stupid. he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And he keeps making me out to be a horrible person after all the trouble and pain he caused me. After all that, and he acts like this.
It’s just really hard. I just wanted to be friends with him again. And go figure, it blows up me my face. And I’m realizing that even though he told me he’s changed, he’s basically the same as he was before.
I shouldn’t care. But I do. And I hate it. He doesn’t deserve my time. But here I am wasting it on him anyway. So I feel pretty pathetic right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I feel like I just care too much. And I don’t ever want to give up on someone just because things are difficult. It’s just so hard, though. I keep trying and it seems like maybe things are just getting worse. So I wait a little bit and try again. And again.
I probably need to give up. But it has always been hard for me to just give up on something. I’ve never been that great at knowing when to quit. That’s rather obvious. So now I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need to figure something out though. I need to find a way to give up. To just let it be. To just say “oh well” and move on.
I know I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I know that there are people out there that know I’m really an awesome person and that those are the people who should really matter to me. Not some guy I really loved that treated me like crap and now despises me and says a bunch of hurtful shit when really he should be owning up to all his mistakes and admitting he was wrong. When really, we both were at fault, but he did way more damage to me than I did to anyone. When really, I’m a good person, and I’ve always been, and just because I made some mistakes and had problems of my own doesn’t mean I’m a horrible person, or that I ever was.
It’s kind of dumb. Really. I just get irritated the most because now all these other people won’t talk to me anymore because he told them all this shit about me that isn’t even true. And they never let me tell my side of the story. One person finally did. And realized the truth. And finally started talking to me again. But all the other’s still choose to ignore me and bear some grudge against me over something false.
And meanwhile, I just don’t say anything about him to others. I’ve had to explain some things to people, but I’ve always been honest and I’ve never said more than I thought I needed to. This is one of the rare times where I’ve really said so much about it. Because I usually try to prevent a bunch of unnecessary drama over a situation.
I just needed to say how I feel right now, so I don’t drive myself insane. I needed to let it out.

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