Thursday, August 5, 2010

all remorse and no regrets

in regards to my previous post-

someone died. some of you might know about it and others might not. my mind in some areas has been a ship-wreck of confusion, disbelief, and despair. for me, this is the first time it has really hit me hard. for once, it was someone who at least in recent time i have seen often enough, someone who meant something to me in some way, and someone who's usually there.
not to say it wasn't kinda tough when my great grandfather died, but i rarely got to see him and so i never really made that kind of connection with him at all. and last year a friend died, but one whom i was not all that close to.

so now, here i am, just a little lost. it's just...weird. every time i think about it, my mind does flips or something. trying to think this person just won't be around anymore feels strange.
fortunately, i am spending the week with someone who understands what i'm going through. rather than sitting at home not knowing what to do with myself, since i have a week off of school, i have been helping out and working through the pain involved.

it's still weird though. and i have no idea how long it will feel like that. i think probably a while.

losing someone hurts. and it makes me sad. and sometimes i just feel like curling up and crying. but still, the largest impact is how strange it feels.

with everything i've gone through, i don't recall ever feeling this strange, so confused, so disoriented, so out of place.
weird, weird, weird.

all my love,

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