Saturday, January 8, 2011

the thing is

things get in the way.

things always get in the way.
sitting there, with the pharmacology teacher talking about vasodilators and all i can think about is: what am i going to do if things aren't taken care of? what if this is just, sigh, just like last time?

here is the thing:
life is a sequence of choices. bad choices. good choices. stupid mistakes. intelligent moments. making a plan. making a plan b. wondering if plan a could be attempted again. realizing that's stupid. thinking maybe it isn't so stupid. no, wait, it is.
moving on. plan d? because plan c was nothing but, well, nothing. i needed time to think.

when two people come together, it means choice, events, and all the emotional baggage of each person kind of being thrown into a pile, and we try to sort through it together.

the thing is:
we always immediately notice what needs to be fixed. things that seem out of place. things we wish we could just through a way because there are so many pieces....where do you even begin?

the thing is:
people lie. people make promises they can't keep. won't keep. people try, but trying isn't always good enough.

the thing is:
nothing can ever be perfect. not even close. shit happens, as they say. whoever they are. and it sucks. it always sucks.

i try to focus on the good things. which i am actually getting much better at.

i have my moments, though, just like anyone else.

the thing is:
i have no idea what i will feel like/what i will do, if my heart gets broken one more time.

the thing is:
i can't really say more.

i can say that in time, the issue should be resolved. key word being 'should.' just because something should happen, doesn't mean it actually will. we all know that.

the thing is:
yes, i am in love.
yes, i know people are going to judge me for it. judge me for how i met the person i love. how old he is. how far he lives from me. how long i've been with him (because of how i feel already).
yes, it will irk me, at least a little, if anyone, at all, doesn't approve,

but i will not really let anyone sway me
but myself
but i will listen and consider
but that doesn't mean it will change anything.

the thing is:
i am me.
i feel what i feel.
you don't know what i really feel.
i try to show people in the best way i know how.
i know i will not always really succeed at making my feelings out in some way that anyone can comprehend.

know that i try my best. that i care. that i am holding onto logic. reason. common sense.

when it comes to this.

because in the past, i know i haven't exactly done that. it always led to me getting carried away with emotions. to the point where i came out very wounded, more hurt than i should've been. times when i should've said no. times when i shouldv'e said goodbye.

i am listening to myself.
my heart. my mind. my body.
my needs. my desires. my goals in life.

all my love,

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