Sunday, January 9, 2011

how my life surprised me (how i changed my mind)

taken from my deviantart journal-

three months and 2 days ago dates my last suicide attempt

two months and two days ago dates the day i intended to be my last day ever

that is, until a note from a stranger changed my mind

i was lower than i've ever been before. i had finally broken down, to the point where i was determined to no longer stick around. i had a plan on that day, november 7, 2010. i went to school as usual. i came home. i had decided that night would be my last. the next day i wouldn't wake up.

but when i got home from school, i figured i would take one last look at facebook, gaia, and this place: deviantart.
i came to the site. went to my messages. to my surprise, someone had sent me a note. it was a random note from a random stranger who randomly happened to come across my art while doing a search for something (so far he can't remember what he was searching for that day).

and the note read:

"You've got some great artwork and poetry! Hope you don't mind I added you on yahoo messenger! Was hoping to get to know you a little better! Anyways hope to speak with you soon, and keep up the awesome work! :)"

and something inside of me came to life, where nothing else remained. a spark, a sudden flame that ignited and filled me.
someone wanted to talk me. and something inside of me told me i should give this a chance. because somehow it seemed like maybe something big was about to happen. i wasn't sure what. maybe it would be as simple as someone who could somehow change my mind. had i found a new friend? had i found a new hope?

i grabbed hold of this small light and didn't let it go. i changed my mind, at least for that night. i figured a few more days couldn't really hurt.

it was not until the next day that we first held a conversation with each other, via yahoo instant messenger.
it started out as typical conversation, with typical questions, about where we were from and what we liked and etc.

but then it kept going.

and suddenly, i added someone new on facebook.

and we kept going. kept talking.

and the next thing i knew, i gave him my phone number. on any given day, this was a stupid decision. even though he gave me his first. why should i trust this person who i only ever heard of the day before?

finally, the conversation ended when i decided i needed to go for a walk. i needed a chance to think. i needed to fit this whole thing into the scheme of my life and process what it meant.

i wasn't really sure. on the surface, all i knew was, i found someone i felt like i could talk to, for whatever reason. someone, who in a way, seemingly understood me. without even knowing me all that well.

something clicked that day. something came to life. something began, without our knowledge. it was not until later on that our conscious minds/hearts finally caught on.

the next part is fairly ordinary. it goes like this:
we talked. yahoo messenger. texting. back and forth. every day. every day i got home from school, got online, and hoped he would be there.

finally one night, he asked if he could call me. i consented.
i do not really remember the contents of that conversation. i really only remember that he went somewhere to go get tea. and that i really enjoyed talking to him.
here was this guy, who i never met before, who kept making me smile and laugh every day. it was certainly something i wasn't used to. and i liked it. i craved it. it was simple and sweet.

later on came:
admitted feelings. first him. than me. yet inside, i still denied the whole truth. logic spoke. he lived too far away, hundreds of miles away, and i thought long distance things could never work, since they never did work for me in the past.

then came:
love. we stepped around the word for quite a while before finally owning up to it. before i finally admitted to myself that i was in love. since when did i get a new heart? without really noticing it? how could this be?
it hit me. it came out of nowhere. i realized that from day 1 the feelings were there. secretly. waiting for us to accept them.

now, on a side note, i don't really believe in fate. at least, i never really did before.

going back to the story, though, we finally said the "L" word. yes. it was a night i remember because, well, it was one of the last times i cut myself. there was one more time after that, later on, that threatened to ruin this whole entire thing. that is story for later, though, perhaps. some other time.

i was sick. i was lonely. i was breaking. i was in love.

and here was boy found a way to tell me but sticking it at the end of a poem he wrote.

my life turned around that day.


he is a boy from north carolina, slightest hint of a southern accent, carrying plenty of his own emotional baggage, just about as sensitive as i am, who was feeling pretty much the same i was before(that whole heartless feeling, minus wanted to actually commit suicide). yes, he is older than me (5.5 years). yes, i live up here in pennsylvania where mapquest claims the distance between us to be 330.87 miles. yes, we both live with our parents (or in my case, parent).

but he is one of the sweetest, kindest, most caring, most loving people you could ever hope to meet.

i am an artist who also dabbles in writing and loves to make up songs to sing. i fell in love with a poet who plays bass and actually makes me feel like i'm worth something. the whole thing feels like a fairytale and has this whole magical thing about it and simply works. it's weird because here i thought i would have to end up settling for less than everything i ever wanted and then one day its like he was a star who just fell from the sky and landed in my arms.

there are so many things that i wanted in an "ideal" love of my life. somehow, i got them all. and i'm not about to let him go.

this is right where i am supposed to be, is what it is.

i am very, very happy, and probably will be for a very, very long time.

all my love,

1 comment:

  1. Congratulations sweetheart. That's a good story. I hope the two of you find the strength in each other to move away from lives of despair and negativity and move forward to a life of happiness and productivity. All relationships have soaring highs and abysmal lows. Everyone can love when soaring high. It's when the abysmal lows come that truly test your love for someone. When these times come, look into yourself. If you have thoughts of suicide or cutting or drugs or any of these kinds of selfish ideas then you do not love the one you are with. To respect another person enough to not ever hurt them is to love them. When you hurt yourself it hurts those who love you even more.

    Be patient. Be careful. Be positive. Move ever forward. Learn from the past and then let it go.

    We love you.