Tuesday, January 11, 2011

this rant is long overdue

I am tired of most times only having week-old bread to eat, cold showers that make my back hurt, and trying to sleep at night in a freezing room where my only source of heat is an old electric blanket (if and when it actually works at all).

I am irritated that my father is willing to spend a couple thousand(or more) on kitchen cabinets, yet complains about having to pay for things like bulk pre-packaged turkey and cans of spinach. Between the lack of decent food, sleep, and the growing mold problem, no wonder I feel sick all of the time. FML. I can't wait to get out of here.

I think I may be getting anemic again. I'm back to having orthostatic hypotension. I have very little energy. I more frequently am having bouts where I collapse and can't get up. My back spasms are worse. My stomach obviously hates me now. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I would try telling my father that i'm having trouble and ask him to help more, but every time I ask him for anything at all he holds it over my head.

I am really hoping that I get this job. I need to get out of this place as soon as i can, if nothing else than for my physical well-being.

I have come to severely dislike my father. He lies, he's hypocritical, he always thinks he's right, all he does is argue with me whenever my point of view differs (which is most of the time), he makes me feel guilty about anything he buys for me ( and complains if i use it up "too fast").

my father is one of those fake people. you know, the ones who tells different groups of people different things so that he appears as a good, seemingly respectable person to everyone out there.

it is unfortunate that as much as he complains that he never got to raise his children, and as much as he claims that he loves that i live with him now, that he consistently has failed to properly care for us.

i feel very fortunate to have a real father back in Cali, who I love so much, who actually genuinely cares about how i am doing, and at least tries to understand where I'm coming from, and tries to help me out where he can, without overstepping his boundaries and without making me feel shitty.

Yet, my father wonders why none of his children really like him anymore, if he even realizes that we really don't like him.

If I get this job, I will probably stay in PA, but I intend to cut myself off from him as much as possible.

I tried to tell myself, despite all the crap, that my father is my father and it wouldn't be fair to not invite him to my wedding, but...by this point, screw it all because he doesn't freaking deserve even that. Especially considering I can't trust him to try and make everything about him, like he always does.

I am looking forward to the day i get out of that house, the day I never have to look back. I'm done with all the bullshit that goes on there.

I promise I'll attempt to post something more positive tomorrow.

all my love,

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