Thursday, February 18, 2010

some promises are made to be broken

I used to show so much promise. So much brilliance and genius. So much potential. I often find myself wondering why I lost so much of that. How did it happen? But honestly, deep down, I know exactly why the gifted child I once was deteriorated over the years. All the demons that sprang up come mostly from one source, and behind it all is one person.
But this person I can only forgive. I cannot hate this person. I cannot direct any negativity at such a person. All I have is my pain. And my loss.
And besides, I do not wish to dwell on such things. That would only make it worse.
So I’m moving on, taking what I have left and working with it.

There is more to it anyway. I have memory trouble now, and have ever since taking the drug lamictal. I had hoped that when I stopped taking lamictal that little problem might start to repair itself. And it has, but only in the slightest measure. It makes me nervous about going to school. I know nothing of how much I need to study, to work at things.
It will be a struggle, but I still have my determination. I still have my heart…right?

My creativity has suffered as well. I find myself without the imagination and desire for the arts as I possessed not too long ago. Then again, it is a struggle to convince myself to do anything these days. I keep wondering if it’s depression, but then, am I in a near-constant state of depression? I’m really not sure.

I come here, finding myself as only a bittersweet taste of what I used to be. Life is life, though. The best I can do is make the most of what I still have.

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