hoplessly

so i guess how i feel right now is hopeless.
i was out walking along the side of the road with music in my ears, feeling swallowed by misery somehow.

is it strange while i walked i thought about how i could just step out into the middle of the road and test fate? is it strange that i often look at things in that way, how i often think of ways to end it? it's not that i would ever do any of those things. i just seem to have this fixation with contemplation. especially contemplating death.
should i be more focused on life?


so i feel hopeless. i get this feeling that nothing will change.
i get this feeling that i can't ever get the one thing i want now. all because i gave it up out of fear for my own safety, my own life. all because i wasn't strong enough..

i don't know. will it be enough to do what i plan to? what if i can't obtain this one thing, the most important thing?

will it be enough for me? will i be able to go on?

it's hard to tell.


and being sad is just so beautiful. tears fall and it's like rain in the storm, with the wind so cold, whipping my hair into my eyes, and the clouds suffocate the sky, and they are the color of bruises, which is even better because pain is so beautiful.
and i thought just now about how sadness is so beautiful, and that sometimes i like that i'm sad because i feel beautiful. but it got me thinking about how happiness can be so very beautiful too. i know those moments when i have been truly happy i've felt the beauty all around me, so much more mystical and wonderful because of how rare and new the feelings were.

it's like the beauty of the sky, of the oceans, of life, weighed against the beauty of seeing what is really there, what is really within the depths of the ocean, what is far out into the sky, the stars in space, planets and galaxies.

it is the beauty of what life can really be. and because it is less experienced, in my case anyway, it is that much more beautiful.