Thursday, February 25, 2010

what is real

so i started this blog in place of a diary, by the way. i think it's just easier and i'm saving paper. plus, i guess i really don't care if people see me for who i really am.

i think there should be more of that in the world. more honesty of self, i mean.
we are constantly hiding who we really are from everyone around us. we act the way we are expected to instead, whether it be to impress someone, to keep people away, or whatever. and being real means being vulnerable because you can't know for sure what someone is going to think of you, and what if one little thing keeps them from liking you, right? well, dang, you sure wouldn't want that.

so let's just hide away.

that's what draws me to love so much. well, one thing that does anyway. with people who love you, some of that worry fades away. you feel safer with loved ones and so you can let some walls fall without being afraid of the consequences.

and frankly, i feel like an idiot these days for one certain thing. i had finally found someone who completely, totally accepted me for who i am and who i was. and that person loved me. and i loved them. but things happen, you know? stupid things. scary things, even. and i eventually let it get to me.
and so, i let that person go.
and now i'm afraid i won't ever get them back,
and i wonder what i will do if that is really how it will be.
what will i do if i can't get this person back?

i just don't know.

i'm still waiting to find out how things will go.

in the meantime, i have a life to work on. pathetic as i might feel at times, i am able to stay focused on what i need to do.

i guess that counts for something.

all my love,

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