half-life

what is the half-life of the human spirit?




it is possible to live broken when all the pieces still work. it is possible to wear your heart on your sleeves when it's made of paper and glass. it is possible to fall down and stand up again as someone new. it is possible life is pointless, that there is nothing more.


i believed in yesterday when his fingers found mine, when his eyes pierced through the mask i've been wearing so long i forget it's even there. I believed in the tomorrow, the sense that i am headed in the right direction, despite wandering aimlessly through the woods in the twilight.

each fragment has a heart piece. each piece can be given away until nothing is left. each piece can come together if only everyone would agree, just once.

sitting in the woods, legs numb and hands shaking, wanting to disappear. but before it's too late, there is someone out there. searching but not finding. but i find the will to lift my legs and slowly find my way.

this is hopeless. something has to give. at some point. i am lost in this sea. the confusion and lack of solid ground have led me into darkness.

what is next? how many souls have found my light and hated that they couldn't keep it all for their own?

angels are supposed to have wings.

butterflies and skipped beats

the boy that goes searching in the woods to find you, lost and broken. he keeps telling you everything will be okay. but how does he know? you are asking him questions and he puts his fingers to your lips and tells you to be quiet. to just feel. to just believe.

we are going to always struggle, but we have the strength to win this fight. you are stronger than you think. i see strength when i look to your eyes, and passion, and longing. i know you have the will to survive.



this story is playing out. i'm feeling inspired. i like where my play seems to be headed. it always helps to take ideas from my seemingly misplaced thoughts.

i think i've made at least two really good friends recently. two people genuinely trying to understanding and showing kindness no matter how much i claim i don't deserve it.

i could be better. things have gone down a bit, but i know i need to stay here. stay focused. stay strong.

there is something really important going on, something i'm on the path towards. i can feel it. i don't know what it is, but i know it's there. i sense its presence.

my thoughts are often scattered. confused. but the way i felt yesterday...it was real. and raw. and beautiful.

and i want to learn meaning again.

all my love,
Heather

a walk to remember

it's easier to keep people from getting too close.
but i think i'm failing at trying to keep them away.


so i'm working up some notes and characters for this play i'm supposed to start writing on Friday. Oh dear gawd....how the heck can I pull this off?

i'm being horribly cliche. this play is about a girl with who has been given a year left to live because she is dying of a broken heart. not sure how i want to play out all the symbolism...but it's the general concept. and lots of people try to help her before it's too late. mostly boys.

i am thinking for characters so far-
1.the girl (Lorena)
2.main love interest (Adrian)
3.best friend of several years
4.secondary love interest
5.ex that still cares
6.father
7.girl who she helps in turn
8.extras for certain scenes(since some of it takes place in public places and i could add some minor roles/lines for them)

maybe a sister? idk. she's supposed to be in college and i don't know how to do it.
it shall be set over a year. i want to divide it into seasons somehow though, starting with summer (so i can end with spring).

maybe i'm crazy for even trying, haha.


so life is life.
it is.
i have friends now but i don't know. i like who i am but too many people want me and i don't know how to deal with it properly without upsetting people too much.
such a dilemma. hm.

still haven't found a job but i;m keeping my fingers crossed, and keeping myself busy in the meantime.

going on a trip in about a week to visit some friends, which is totally cool. i am getting to enjoy life a bit. i like it.

all my love,
Heather

a world of confusion

giver of life, breaker of hearts
my ring shall be white


how do you make some believe they shouldn't get involved with you without really being able to explain why?


i keep trying to warn people but they don't listen. i'm wondering whether i'm doing more good or bad. all i know is that i enjoy this time i've spent with these people. they are finding bits and pieces of my heart that had been washed away by the relentless ocean that has been my life.this feeling of confusion refuses to quiet. i am searching the life around me for the whispered secrets of simple truth. i am feeling the life with my fingertips, and breathing in my losses.

so many innocent people. lives to be changed for the better or ruined by mistake.
when i say "it's better if you just stay away from e," people just laugh, shake their head at me, and move closer.

so what do i do? i crave human connection. it's like my life-source or something.
people gladly oblige until i don't do what they want. but i'll never do what they want and i know they eventually will get to that point, so who is the cruel one here?

i don't think anyone can understand because there is nothing to really understand.

where there is no heart, there is no heart. it's not something to be replaced.

with a black, black heart

yesterday was a crazy day.

i am lucky though.

so since my biodad's transmission is screwed, a new friend of mine drove me over to Lancaster to take my exam. it so happened that we found out something was wrong with my biodad's car only two hours past the time when i could have just rescheduled.

it was nice to have a friend drive me though because i was super nervous and it kept me calm to have someone to talk to (plus i got to know him a little more).

i went in and took the test in about 40 min, even though i had been allotted 2 hours total to take it. this place is all high security and whatnot, in a sense. i had to get a palm vein scan. it was interesting.

I PASSED MY TEST!!!

i get my official stuff in 1-3 weeks...woot! EPIC WIN!


um...then i went and ate celebratory Wendy's lunch. because hey...i'm not really one to pass up a free meal when it's offered.

then i got home.
my biodad decided to start reorganizing all this stuff in my room. so i couldn't just relax from all the nerves being shot from the whole test thing.

and i got a call. relationship stuff is what it is, you know? i cried. but i'm okay for now.

my friend stopped by later on. we sat in my room and talked and played pokemon and it was nice to just chill with a friend. it really helped get my mind off things.

slept okay. feeling sad but also good somehow. life is life is whatever and i will make the most of what i get.

there isn't much point in dwelling and stressing out over the situation.

i am happy with my life because i am accomplishing the things i've wanted to and it feels damn good. my next order of business is finding a doctor to go to.

stay amazing, all you cool peoples out there!

all my love,
Heather

ps.
this was my 200th post!! just thought i'd point that out.

"it's just some form of neurosis."

...to quote a friend.

so my certification test is today. i am nervous. confident in my ability to pass, but nervous because i'm always nervous about things that are really important to me.

i'll be sure to let everyone know when i get my results back (i'm not sure how long it takes before they send them out or notify me of whatever).

oh...formspring. for those of you who may not be aware, formspring is a website for people to ask other people questions, especially anonymously.

that being said, someone (since i'm pretty sure it's all the same person) keeps calling me a slut/whore/etc through the site anonymously. oh, and then this morning i checked it to find this, word for word: "go die, k thanks" which i had to laugh at. i have a feeling i know who it might be. but honestly, if someone doesn't even have the guts to tell me who they are if they are going to say such things, i don't really give a shit. oh, the cowards of the world. if anything, it's amusing and i rather enjoy this whole situation. if only they knew that all they're doing is giving me something laugh at...

i have little else to report. still working on getting a job.

i have friends now though. that live close by. finally, i have people to hang out with.

as for my relationship....i just don't even want to go there. too complicated to try at the moment.

i'm sad, but i gotta keep moving on, you know?

c'est la vie or some shit, haha.

i'm wishing you all the best in your adventures.

all my love,
Heather

a change in the tides

so i deleted my facebook account.

hm.


i won't say much about my reasons, other than it having to do with certain people i felt i was forced to associate with that i did not want to.
i'm not willing to discuss it further, so do not ask me.

it's one less thing to deal with anyway.

i know it's nice to stay in touch with some people that way, but i keep getting upset over petty things with that site and i got so sick of it i didn't want to deal anymore.

i'm still finding myself. i know i am.

the good news is, i made some friends recently. i found somewhere to meet up with people around my age with similar interests and that is awesome. i finally will have people to hang out with from time to time.


there's a lot of pressure just sitting here. i have my cert exam coming up on wednesday. i'm waiting to hear back about a job. i am realizing that i am still so afraid of so many things and still very broken.

i still have my faults and my troubles and my bad habits. but i'm doing my best to get better.

i hope everyone can be patient with me still.

all my love,
Heather

head over heels

for a nurse named joy.

okay not really. just that head over heels made me think of a song. a pokemon song. i used to love singing it.

it's true that i have never been very open about it when i have been totally into a girl. i'm used to hanging out with guys. i know how they think. i'm comfortable with them.

but girls? i still don't really understand them.

you can try to point and say that i'm a girl, but i would shake my head and say no.

no, i am not a girl.

fact: at one time, i seriously considered getting a sex change at one point. (but it all fell through when i realized i love my body the way it is, even if i don't feel female at all sometimes, even when i'm totally being a boy).

i get so shy around girls. plus, it's not exactly socially acceptable to be openly into a girl. and oh my god..if the girl turned out to be straight and i acted interested...

i really don't want to make people uncomfortable if i'm into them. i've been really interested in some of my straight friends before, but knowing they were straight i never said anything and never showed it.

there was one girl in high school in particular who i was practically in love with....seriously. she was so amazing and still is and i wanted so much to be with her, but honestly...i just chickened out. i was scared. i was scared of losing her as a best friend if i told her (even though she was openly into girls) and i was scared i would totally blow it.

i never thought i'd openly admit to this, but i've done my fair share of things with girls/women to know that i am definitely into them.

fact: i have had more crushes on girls by far than i have on guys


so why have i always ended up in all these "official" relationships with guys?

well, i had to face this some time: socially, it was easier. and less scary since i'm comfortable with guys. and things just happen. my attraction to men and women is almost equal, with a slightly higher attraction to women.

fact: i can't stand to look at naked men (except a guy if i'm with him), but i love looking at naked women.

yeah, i admitted it.
i'm not afraid anymore. i'm not afraid of getting negative comments about this.

so what if i like girls?

let me say this: i think i have found somebody pretty much perfect for me because it's definitely a lot easier for two genderqueers to be together. (it's nice not to have to choose between boys or girls and physically i have fun either way, no matter what parts are present or not).

maybe i'll get shit for all this stuff. i don't know if i care so much.
i learned not too long ago that real friends stick by you. and i'm pretty sure everyone who reads this blog is already aware of many of these things or doesn't mind either way.

and gosh, you know, i'm just so dang happy. i am so proud of myself.

i'm so confident these days. i'm more open and positive and clear-headed and it's all without medications(which make me fuzzy and dull anyway).

i have so much amazing-ness to look forward to. so exciting!

i feel so blessed because i grew up with a mommy who was accepting. even so, i felt weird being open even top my family in the past because as far as i really know i am the only non-heterosexual in my immediate family(they can always correct me if i'm wrong).

maybe i will stay with this person and we will settle down and get married and have children and all that, but i'm pretty sure i'll still always be attracted to women. and ze is totally aware of that fact. and totally accepting.

love is nice when it works out.

all my lovey doveys and stuffs,
Heather

identifier

it's funny how i know i am very different now from how i was four months ago, yet a lot of the time i feel just the same as i was back then.

this blog has just been me. filtered but not too much. honest, but private sort of.
me me me me me me me.

i feel like saying this. i am not a boy or a girl. or i am both. neither. one or the other depending on how i feel. i am brainstorming boy names for myself. it's fun.

sometimes i wish i were more androgynous. sometimes my sister tells me i look like a boy. and inside, i have the biggest smile on my face.

i can't ever decide between long and short hair. long hair is so pretty and fun, but more girly. i guess it doesn't have to be. but it feels girly to me.

i don't know. honestly, i am still confused and unsure about a lot of things.

but what i am sure of is, i love my life because i love my family and my best friend right now and my other good friends and etc.

and things work out. i have been working on stuff and it's going well enough.

i am actually quite nervous if i do get this job i just interviewed for because i think i will put a lot of pressure on myself when i shouldn't. sure, i had school, but this is hands on and the real thing and it's still very new to me and they know that and won't expect me to be perfect but i so very much want to do well.

if i get the job, that is. i will be okay either way. which is nice. it is nice to sit here and not freak out that "oh know what if i don't get this job then where else should i look and what are my chances and what am i going to do oh no oh no" because i realize that just because one thing doesn't work out it doesn't mean nothing ever will.

hey, i learned something!

some stranger popped in and said something nice and changed my mind about the biggest decision i had ever made for my life and it doesn't seem like that makes sense but it does.

can you tell i'm in a run-on sentence mood?

i am actually feeling quite ill at the moment. i have been lightheaded the majority of the day plus my throat has been very sore and i am not happy about that.

but anyway, i am happy because i am happy because i am in love and it is working and i love people and life is okay because there are still good things and my biodad isn't home to bug me right now. woo.

i love you. love you. love you all.

with all my heart,
Heather

PS. this is so totally PFA

i :heart: nerds

i love myself. haha.
but yeah.
i'm wearing my plaid shirt and suspenders and glasses and all today and it's fun.


yesterday i had an interview with this pharmacy that has been around for years and years. they aren't a chain. they are a little tiny pharmacy that is going to be expanding to a larger one starting in May.

i am really excited that i might get this job. it would be full-time and there are benefits and such. there's a 90-day trial period with it, which is fairly standard i know with most jobs, and they all seem like really nice people.

it's good to have an interview where i feel really comfortable with who i am being interviewed by. and i think i made a really good impression, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

don't know what it means for the future, really. i've kind of been trying to wait-and-see with things a lot lately. i look ahead, think ahead, but focus on the present and the what is currently at hand.

if i absolutely love this place, it may mean sticking around in PA for quite some time, which i honestly haven't been planning on, due to several reasons that i feel i would be much happier being away from this place.

there is definitely somewhere right now that i would rather be, but it is a good distance away from here.

i see the importance of opportunities and such when it comes to work and career, however. if i get a job, it gives me the opportunity to get work experience in my field, which is the one thing i am still lacking (except for the cerification, but i am well on my way to getting that) and i know i really need it anyway.

i am eager in many ways to be able to live closer to my boyfriend (either if i move closer to him or if he moves closer to me) but i am also very patient and i firmly believe that if a relationship is going to work, it is going to work no matter how far apart the two people involved are, or for how long that distance lasts. it's like we both keep saying, another day, month, year, etc is nothing when we have the rest of our lives to be together. i have faith that no matter what happens, we can make it work and stay together. we are so good about working through anything that comes our way, i know we'll be just fine.

eventually, it has to change. because i also don't see the point in maintaining a relationship where there is no true contact and never really will be. because my goal is to eventually settle down and get married and have children and all (it's something i have been looking forward to ever since i was a child myself).

but honestly, it works. this is the first relationship i've been in where i feel like i'm gaining energy and strength and courage and all that good stuff, rather than losing it. and i'm pretty sure that's how good relationships should be. they should make you feel happy and healthy, not sick and stressed out. obviously that's no good. but you know how it is when you love people....sometimes you ignore the bad stuff because you love them so much (even when it's really REALLY bad stuff).

also...this is totally pointless and random and whatever, but i bought hot tamales at walgreens. i am only mentioning this because they are the valentine's ones.

it is the "untamed love mix" according to the box and it cost my 69 cents. haha.

i know... that was pretty lame.

i have nothing else to report.

all my love,
Heather