and you just don't see the light

damage control anyone?




yesterday, the pastor at one of the churches i was going to came to visit me. of course, it wasn't just a visit. it was an attempt to figure out why i stopped going to church, with a side of trying to get me to return.

made me feel a little guilty with the whole bit about how everyone misses me and asks about me and how God says we need to go to church no matter how we feel.

i stopped going to church though because i just don't feel it anymore. not to mention i've never believed in only one god anyway and all the stuff that goes with it.
so i stooped going.

and then people wonder why.

i tried to be honest with the pastor though. i told him about how i have been depressed lately and how i don't really know what i believe in and that i just don't feel like going anymore.
but of course, he's one of those people who is so very into his religion that there's no room for any other. so how the heck do i get through and make him realize that it's not what i believe in?

i feel kinda bad though. i mean, i started going to church basically in support of my father, who works there. at times, i started to think maybe it was something i could go with, something i could believe in. but my heart has never really been in it. i just don't believe it. i can't.

i know there are those of you out there that fully believe in one god and jesus and everything, and i totally respect that, but it's just not for me. i've tried to believe in it. i made the effort. nothing changed though. not for me.


so now i don't go.

but now people wonder.

i'm not sure what to do about it.

religion can be complicated and difficult and sometimes it's a really touchy subject for people. i plan to tread carefully.

but otherwise, well, i'm not sure how this is all going down.
i wonder what he'll do when i continue not showing up though.

i'm just tired of pretending.
i want to be me.

with all my heart,
Heather