Tuesday, September 7, 2010

dream without sleeping

don't wanna lose this fight.

the days wear on me.
i do my best to stay afloat, keep my head above the surface, don't drown, don't drown.

i feel like i am two people.

there is the girl that swims by and excels and speaks clearly and can't be brought down.
and then there is she who always struggles and cries out and wants to curl up and hide away.

it's weird. i go back and forth between the two.
maybe it's just a mask though. is that it?
keeping a smile on my face and pushing through the day and appearing to be fine.
coming home and crying and feeling lost and worn out and afraid.

i feel like it's more than that though.
it's fighting. it's surviving. it's doing what i have to do to get by.
it's putting on a mask and forgetting that's what it is so i end up believing i'll be okay.

or something like that.

i don't know why, but it makes me smile.

i get the feeling i'm on the right track here. i mean, with my life.

surviving. in my world, it may be the best i can do.
with what i have to deal with, but i'm glad things aren't worse.

i may feel defeated at times, but i always manage to get back up again.
and to me that feels like an accomplishment.

all my love,

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