Thursday, June 17, 2010

people like stars.

i am feeling inspired.

i started reading Love, Stargirl two days ago. It kinda takes me back to when i first read Stargirl. This is the book that takes place after it. And it's Stargirl's point of view. And to think before i felt i could relate to Stargirl i really feel it.
okay, okay, fictional character. but she's like..this typical girl who seems extraordinary to others but really is very human and has her own faults and all that.
It's the way that she feels about things that i relate to. the way she sees the world.
especially the way she has a boy who she left and they aren't together anymore and how she misses him and still loves him but gets confused a lot about him. i know, i always somehow come back to that. i swear i'm not really obsessing over him. he's just on my mind a lot. which hurts. it's painful. but whatever.

this isn't about that. i've been inspired lately. between that whole buddhism spiel the other night, and Stargirl, i'm just all inspired and free-flowing and life seems clearer. i feel a little happier, too.

so i made an alter today. it started with the glow-in-the-dark buddha that was in my room. i made that alter out of cardboard. he sits on my "magic box." it's really an old mint tin filled with random bits and pieces of special things and moments in my life. i put some incense in a plastic dish there also. and a seashell with pennies in it. and then i added elements of myself, sort of. i put my two little pikachus up with the buddha. and i also put the little clear glass spheres in the altar that i had gotten from breaking open ramune bottles. and i also took the paper stars i had made and taped them to the back wall of the altar.
my own little altar, just for me. i love it. somehow, it just works. since my beliefs are such a combination of things, i really think it fits. somehow.

i also have a happy bowl. i started that again. i put those little glass pebbles in it for how happy i am. the more pebbles in it, the happier i am. the most i can have is 20 pebbles.
why measure my happiness? mostly to keep track. to pay attention to what makes me happy or unhappy.

right now it has 14 pebbles in it. which is pretty good for me.

i also am going to try going on more walks and adventures. seek out meaning. find peace. learn to let go.

my first thing will be to go watch the sunrise on summer solstice.

so, i want to try to stop biting my nails. again. yep. maybe i can actually succeed this time. or make it longer than 2 weeks. since that's my record.
i'll start right now. start stopping. haha.
seriously, though.

oh, and i cut my finger yesterday. and spent several minutes on the floor feeling dizzy and then crying because i didn't know what to do..and wow, it just kept bleeding and all. blood all over my hand, all over the bathroom sink, dripped onto the bathroom floor, etc. almost deep enough cut to get stitches, but not quite.
so instead, i cleaned it with alcohol, which burned like crazy so much i wanted to scream, and added some ointment, and bandaged it up. and so far it seems okay. it still hurts, sometimes.

hey, like the huge gaping hole in my chest. i refuse to believe that the beating and all that means it's still really there. no way. heh.

but anyway, ah, inspiration to be better person. beautiful person. live life.
i need to read things like this more often, i guess.

now it's gleek time. i mean Glee time. gotta go.

with all my heart,

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