Thursday, June 17, 2010

and you are.

i just want to say that life is beautiful.
the world around is so big, and yet what matters most are the smallest of moments, little things that make you smile.

i want to learn to care little enough about my belongings that i'd be okay with losing them all, while at the same time i want to care just enough to take care of what i have.

i want to learn to let go, while still keeping my feet on the ground, and my eyes on my dreams.

i want to remember how to fly, but never actually do it so i can stay with those i love.

i want to know what love can be when their is no hurt attached to it, even though i understand that pain and love go together like stars and planets.

i want to be with someone again, just maybe, and i'm tired of people trying to convince me otherwise. it's my own life. i just want that possibility to exist. i want to take a chance again, even though i could just get hurt again.
something i've come to realize is that love is worth that second chance.

in truth, he hurt me not much more than i hurt myself in the process. and now that i've grown and learned so much, i want to try again.
because i understand that people change. and i know somehow that i need to see him again. just once. to figure it out. to make up my mind.
to reclaim my heart for real.

i'm not going to obsess about it. i'll let my life runs its course, and i'll hope that i can see him. it's part of why i want to go to fanime next year. i'm going to try to save up, and get some help so i can make it there.
it's just a dream of mine to go back again. and to see some old friends.
and to meet up with him.

i just want that chance, but like i said, i won't go crazy over it. i won't break apart if it doesn't happen. no. but it'd be nice if others could support me for what i want to do, instead of saying all these things to get me to change my mind.
one-i get confused and stressed out when people do that
two-i won't change my mind anyway
eventually i always come back to this. for whatever reason.
like my heart is calling to me.

i just want people to understand that.

and again, i say, life is beautiful. i want to live and laugh and love, and maybe things will happen and maybe they won't.
but i won't give up. not yet.
a teacher of mine once told me that the one thing about me that really stood out to her was my determination. i know i'll never lose that. and i'm glad that's part of who i am.

so please, don't try to push me another way. because to me, it just feels like your stepping all over my dreams and i just have to go pick up the pieces on my own.

that goes for school, too. i'm not sure if i want to be a pharmacy tech for the rest of my life, but at the same time, i needed to do this. it's something i'm interested in and this way i can get a decent job.
hey, i can always go back to school.
but i really need to figure out what i want to do first.
right now, i'm actually thinking i might want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist.
i recently did one of those tests that based on your interests and aptitude. both of those were on there. it was supposed to really accurate. i took it at OVR. i'm trying to get some funds through them for school.
but yeah. those things showed up, and i kinda like the idea of doing something like that. i've always had an interest in doing something like that. i guess i just kind of suppressed that when my mother started pushing the whole pharmacist thing. maybe i wouldn't make as much funny with those careers as i would as a pharmacist, but i just might be more suited for them.
i have to say, though, that i'm not blaming my mother for anything. at the time, when i decided to do the pharmacy program i was once in, i was plenty old enough to make my own decisions. it's really my own fault for wanting to please my mother too much.

i've gotten over that now, mostly. i mean, i still care what she thinks to some extent. but i'm realizing more and more that i need to do what i want to do, not what anyone else thinks i should do.
and i'm applying that to everything in my life, including love and career.
because in the end, it's my life, and it's up to me to make myself happy.

that being said, i don't mind people making suggestions. i just don't like it when they're saying i "should" do something. maybe they don't even realize they're wording it that way.

and also, i still love all of you. not that you would ever think otherwise. i still live for others, but now i have to live for myself as well.

with all my heart,

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