dancing into insanity

i watched Black Swan yesterday.
i have to say...i really love this movie. but if you haven't seen it, be warned, it might mess with your head a little.

i'm always affected emotionally by movies i watch, books i read, etc. so this movie definitely got to me. but i love movies like that. the concepts involved, the view of ballet in such a sense...it was amazing.


in contrast, i am finally finishing up reading the first book in the Hitchhiker's Guide trilogy, this being my third attempt to read and actually finish it.


life is life. cake is cake. of which i have none.
but i do have Easter candy.


still looking for a job. i've even applied to openings for jobs not in my field at some of the pharmacy stores like CVS, but i'm not even having luck with that. I think my lack of experience is a problem, perhaps.

i can't seem to convince anyone to stay away from me. i can tell them i'm crazy, but what do they care? they don't believe i'm really crazy. yet.

i kind of wish i could be better at pushing people away when i feel like i need to. but i can't bring myself to say any harsh words. i'm always so honest with myself and my friends that when i calmly explain to them that i need space and don't want to be too close they don't take me seriously enough.
since i'm passive the only thing i think i might be able to do is ignore people for a while. i don't know.
everything is always so complicated when it comes to interactions with people.

i am hoping to find some inspiration soon to create some really awesome art again. i feel so close to something great...i just need to find it and capture it long enough to get it out on paper.

emotionally...i am...not really sure where i am. it's the same thing as it has been before. i am happy with my life but moment-to-moment i feel depressed and unmotivated. nothing seems fun anymore. i'm getting too cynical again.

there is but one brightly shining light in my life and i'm holding fast to it, but my spirit still feels too fleeting. i'll stay strong until my strength is all gone though.

all my love,
Heather

just call me naive

i honestly never thought about the fact that men around my parents' age would be attracted to me.

now that i look back on this, with what recently happened, that was kind of stupid of me.

i'm finding that being exceptionally attractive (at least according to all these other people) is troublesome. it's nice that all these people think i'm pretty. it makes me feel good about myself physically, but i'm tired of so many people coming after me for it. trying to make moves on me. and etc.

i get a lot of stares. i can be wearing sweatpants, hoodie, sneakers, no make-up...and still get lots of stares. my sister knows exactly what i'm talking about. i guess it's what happens, considering our mother is just so very pretty and biodad isn't exactly hideous (though my real father has him beat).

anyway, with such genetics at play, it's not really a surprise that me, as well as all three siblings, are particularly attractive people. and i know i'm not the only one getting frustrated about the whole deal, from what i've heard from a sister of mine. we've both had trouble trying to stay single when it seems like so many guys (and girls in some cases) all want a shot.

really though, it's a good thing. i've realized that being wanted by so many means that i can be picky and find someone really worth my while. which i honestly really believe i already have. i am very happy with who i am with. we've had trouble here and there, but i know for sure who i want to end up with and i feel really good about that.

in the meantime, however, i am stuck dealing with these people around me who can't seem to get it into their heads that i am not interested, no matter how clearly i state it.

i am handling it well enough though. staying out of trouble as best i can.

but i keep asking the same question: "Who are my real friends, then?"

all my love,
Heather

in the whole scheme of things

i had such a wonderful trip down to NC. very, very wonderful. really brought back a lot of hope into my heart about my life. not everything goes according to plans but the end result is as desired.

i trip and fall into a ditch. i don't always trust the right people. bad things happen. really bad things. i'm pushing this little thing aside. my head is a bit fuzzy about the details anyway and i don't need the drama in pursuing the unlikely chance that the person in question is dealt with. so i'm dropping it and cutting him out. it's the best thing i can do.

i'm planning on applying to an opening at CVS. it's a regular 3rd shift position but it'll get me some income at least, which i desperately need as my biodad continues to skimp on buying adequate food at times. plus I can apply to a pharm tech position at the same time anyway, so...


there is so much going on. what. the. fuck.
tornadoes down in NC. lots of them. i was just down there, and the fact that my dearest friend ever was so close to being one of the many injured/dead from said tornadoes freaked me out quite a bit. one really strange panic attack either(i skipped all the hyperventilating and actually panicking and moved straight into feeling like i was dying) and then i'm sitting in my bed talking and thanking the powers that be that we are all still here together.

by the way, i came home and noticed that in the week i was gone my puppy gained weight. my good tweezers are missing. clothes hung haphazardly and inside-out in my closet(curse my being all ocd about it) and my bottle of agave nectar is also missing...and the tub the puppy stays in when everyone is away smelled like he peed a lot in it (like he was taken out often enough) and etc.
i wasn't really surprised by any of this though...just peeved as usual.

i like getting up in the mornings and easing into things. my biodad expects me to be waking up at 6am every morning and start working on things immediately for some reason. despite my continuous efforts to explain that i like to just chill in the mornings when i can and such, he continues to whine about me not doing anything in the morning. (well gee, i'm sorry i don't end up sleeping much at night and therefore spend a lot of time in the morning lying in bed trying to rest).

um...i have no idea. kind of pissed at some people right now. wishing i could just ignore them. stop caring. need to stay focused on my own goals. getting away and getting a life.

i'm only more sure about what i want now. which makes me feel quite good, actually.

all my love,
Heather

the one-winged angel, the fallen star

sometimes i'm too afraid to get close. sometimes i push people away.

this is my curse. and yet it's also my super power. i am an empath.
( i found this article about empaths: everything mentioned in this article pretty much applies to me and may help anyone trying to understand me.

the world is a confusing place. imagine if you could hear people's thoughts, but you heard them all at the same time. it would be overwhelming and difficult to make out anything you were hearing, wouldn't it?

well, this is sort of similar. but instead of hearing thoughts from everyone around me, i am feeling what they feel. it is a troublesome existence. and one that i feel like i am losing myself to, at times. i get so caught up in the emotions of others, it's difficult to recognize my own. and it hurts.

i have a yearning to understand people, to give a story to what i am feeling from others. so i listen. i listen to their stories.

i have heard so many things. so many secrets that i would never ever share. but they do not feel like burdens.

i love everyone. family. friends. enemies. strangers. EVERYONE.

i can't help it.

but the pain of the world is so strong.

(i just realized something. i can't believe the best reference to something that has occurred recently comes from Twilight, but whatever. A short explanation for those of you who have not read the book or seen the movie-Edward can hear everyone's thoughts. Then one day, Bella shows up. And for some reason, unlike everyone else, Edward cannot hear Bella's thoughts. On top of it, he is strangely very drawn to her. he gets both very frustrated and intrigued by this whole situation. I have recently had something similar occur. i have met someone whose feelings i cannot seem to feel, when everyone else's i still can. and i don't know what to do about it.)

anyway, back to what i was saying. more than anything, pain always shows through. i can tell when someone is hurting deep down, holding onto some dark secret that keeps bugging them because they have confessed it to nobody. i am usually the one to bring about that confession.

but everything is beautiful. people. animals. nature. the world.

it's sensitivity. i am so very sensitive to the world around me that i feel often like i am drowning in it.

i know this is where all my confusion comes from. why i am so unsure of my own feelings. i am drawing from the feelings of people around me so much i can barely recognize my own. it often leaves me feeling hollow. i feel like i have no room to feel on my own.

i have trouble at parties. too much noise. chaos. feelings everywhere. i am bombarded. it makes me feel really tired. dizzy. lost.

i am faced with a challenge here. choices. i have to take this journey to find my true self and my true feelings. it means giving myself a chance to be alone. but i am so very, very afraid of being alone.

Nok.

all my love,

Heather

half-life

what is the half-life of the human spirit?




it is possible to live broken when all the pieces still work. it is possible to wear your heart on your sleeves when it's made of paper and glass. it is possible to fall down and stand up again as someone new. it is possible life is pointless, that there is nothing more.


i believed in yesterday when his fingers found mine, when his eyes pierced through the mask i've been wearing so long i forget it's even there. I believed in the tomorrow, the sense that i am headed in the right direction, despite wandering aimlessly through the woods in the twilight.

each fragment has a heart piece. each piece can be given away until nothing is left. each piece can come together if only everyone would agree, just once.

sitting in the woods, legs numb and hands shaking, wanting to disappear. but before it's too late, there is someone out there. searching but not finding. but i find the will to lift my legs and slowly find my way.

this is hopeless. something has to give. at some point. i am lost in this sea. the confusion and lack of solid ground have led me into darkness.

what is next? how many souls have found my light and hated that they couldn't keep it all for their own?

angels are supposed to have wings.

butterflies and skipped beats

the boy that goes searching in the woods to find you, lost and broken. he keeps telling you everything will be okay. but how does he know? you are asking him questions and he puts his fingers to your lips and tells you to be quiet. to just feel. to just believe.

we are going to always struggle, but we have the strength to win this fight. you are stronger than you think. i see strength when i look to your eyes, and passion, and longing. i know you have the will to survive.



this story is playing out. i'm feeling inspired. i like where my play seems to be headed. it always helps to take ideas from my seemingly misplaced thoughts.

i think i've made at least two really good friends recently. two people genuinely trying to understanding and showing kindness no matter how much i claim i don't deserve it.

i could be better. things have gone down a bit, but i know i need to stay here. stay focused. stay strong.

there is something really important going on, something i'm on the path towards. i can feel it. i don't know what it is, but i know it's there. i sense its presence.

my thoughts are often scattered. confused. but the way i felt yesterday...it was real. and raw. and beautiful.

and i want to learn meaning again.

all my love,
Heather

a walk to remember

it's easier to keep people from getting too close.
but i think i'm failing at trying to keep them away.


so i'm working up some notes and characters for this play i'm supposed to start writing on Friday. Oh dear gawd....how the heck can I pull this off?

i'm being horribly cliche. this play is about a girl with who has been given a year left to live because she is dying of a broken heart. not sure how i want to play out all the symbolism...but it's the general concept. and lots of people try to help her before it's too late. mostly boys.

i am thinking for characters so far-
1.the girl (Lorena)
2.main love interest (Adrian)
3.best friend of several years
4.secondary love interest
5.ex that still cares
6.father
7.girl who she helps in turn
8.extras for certain scenes(since some of it takes place in public places and i could add some minor roles/lines for them)

maybe a sister? idk. she's supposed to be in college and i don't know how to do it.
it shall be set over a year. i want to divide it into seasons somehow though, starting with summer (so i can end with spring).

maybe i'm crazy for even trying, haha.


so life is life.
it is.
i have friends now but i don't know. i like who i am but too many people want me and i don't know how to deal with it properly without upsetting people too much.
such a dilemma. hm.

still haven't found a job but i;m keeping my fingers crossed, and keeping myself busy in the meantime.

going on a trip in about a week to visit some friends, which is totally cool. i am getting to enjoy life a bit. i like it.

all my love,
Heather