so old it's new

i can't really say it's hard to predict how things will go with my life.
i may be as unpredictable as ever but my life for the most part steadies itself on a wave thats always shifting below or above par.

i am stressed. out. lately.

i don't know what it is for sure. i think it is the stress of my expectations for my own employment as well as someone else's. i think it is the holidays. i think it is a confusion.

a confusion like....i am processing. and processing.
trying to understand what something awesome really means in my life.

i feel pretty lucky because..
as you all know...
it is tough for anyone to understand me.

i mean, really, truly,definitely understand what is going on in my head.

and i finally came across someone who gets it, really gets it, without even trying. i have, finally, someone present consistently to confide in who gets it.

i am confused because i don't know how much this person is supposed to mean to me. i don't know much they may mean to me someday. i don't know what i will do if i manage to push them away.

but i don't know what i will do if i push anyone else close to me away as well.

i really don't know because it is always so scary.

i am trying to figure some things out but i always get stuck in this limbo as usual at every age and every point of time because that is me: forever undecided. unable to make up my mind and settle on something because i'm constantly thinking up the what-if's.

i'm constantly thinking, thinking, and i can't stop thinking because i can't.

and right now i can't sleep because there are nightmares and demons and things.

and i can't relax because my body refuses and i have seizures and fingers chewed until they hurt and bleed and i make my way through this weird state through the day and do what i need to do.

i need more time to think. dang.

all my love,
Rain

tricks and diseases

So I haven't mentioned that a month ago...ish? I donated blood for the first time. Finally,my blood pressure and red blood cell count are where they need to be. So I donated.

First time I tried was when I was 16. That was the day i found out I was anemic. I was pretty depressed.

I'm type O negative. I really wanted to be able to donate my blood.

so go figure,
I actually go through the whole process of having the blood drained this time, and i was super happy, and I didn't feel weak afterwards or anything.

So go figure...

I received a letter saying they couldn't use my blood and had to destroy it.

Why?

Well, for those of you who don't know, all blood donated is tested for HIV.

So why am I saying this?

Because the screening test they did, the first one, was positive.

But before you're all like, holy oh my gosh what the heck oh no, I will tell you more.

They did a second test, the IFA test, which was indeterminate. Wait...what?
Yes, indeterminate. Not exactly positive, but also not truly negative.

Yeah...

but it gets better.
They did a third test to be more sure. It's the nucleic acid test. Which came out...

um...


negative.

Supposedly this test is more accurate since it tests genetic material.

So i probably don't have HIV. Probably not.

The letter advised I should talk with my doctor about it because of the second test being indeterminate.

I don't have a doctor right now, but I'm saving the letter for when I do.

So no, I don't necessarily have HIV.

And I will tell you, it is unlikely that I do. I have not done anything much that would have put me at risk.

I have to say though that the letter upset me, especially at first when the first thing I read was about a positive result for HIV.

That being said, I'm feeling a bit better now.
I always worry too much about things, but i'll be okay.
i have plenty of support here and other places.

i hope everyone is happy and looking forward to Thanksgiving.

all my love,
Rain

life, the universe, and everything

it has come to my attention that i am terrible at keeping up with anything now that i have a job.

suffice it to say, i love having a job. my job really isn't so bad. a bit boring, but oh well, it's a job. i work in a call center where i talk to dr offices and pharmacies and process faxes all day. not super exciting, but it does use my pharmacy tech certification and knowledge.

furthermore, having a job, while limiting, is also liberating. for the first time in my life, i pay for everything on my own. i am capable of getting everything i need and doing everything i need without any help. i finally have enough food and a place all my own and i get to have fun and also be responsible.

i personally really enjoy this...this being an adult.

honestly, i was scared of being on my own for the first time for real. i was scared of being responsible for all the bills and groceries and etc things in life that i need. but it turns out that i am so much more capable of existing on my own than i realized.

in fact, it seems to suit me quite well.
i am much more confident and happy like this.

now bring in a relationship. one that has lasted for over a year. bring in said person and at first i wasn't so sure. i had settled into my own way of doing things, my own comfortable routine. a routine with lots of freedom, but a routine none the less. i got really comfortable and i was really, really happy.

but reality has to hit you somehow, someway...eventually.
so i face a new challenge: living/sharing with another person and having that added responsibility of being accountable to them.

and i got really upset and disoriented and confused about it.
i've settled a bit now, but i'm a bit unsure.
but i've figured out that i'm kinda like that (while the rest of you knew for years and got irritated about it, haha).

i like being free and doing my own thing and having friends and not having to worry about too much. so i'm trying to figure out if i need that space or if i can find my own way with someone by my side.
whatever i decide, i'm taking my time to really know what i need to do for myself.


meanwhile, i am plagued by nightmares and the return of more severe seizures and i have nothing i can do about them just right now.

i also found a friend. a really good friend right here near where i am to spend time with and talk to who understands me a lot.

it's nice to have people to talk to and have fun with, people who understand and can help if i really need it.
at the same time, i continue to keep from depending too much.

i am constantly keeping awareness to emotions and thoughts and those kinds of things you all know i'm always wrestling with. and trying to keep them in check. and still handling them without any meds. yay!

and i am in a pretty happy place right now. so i'm trying to make it last and make it better when possible.

i'll try to start posting more again. my internet is currently at the mall in a game store where some friends work at, but i'll try to keep up with it anyway.

i miss all of you loyal friends/family/etc peoples that read this that i don't see much and i send my love.

with all my heart,
Rain

ps. RAIN. i have used this name for year in secret but i have grown to love it more and more so i go by it around where i am. doesn't mean i hate Heather or anything.

in all honesty.

i can't expect people to understand what i've found in my life.

i recognize what a gift this is, to have a found a love so great. most people don't experience this. this feeling is like no other. two people so apart of each other. so perfect for each other. that is how we both feel.

love has never been so easy and yet so trying and so awesome, for me.

the best part of this is how we effect each other, how when we're together it's really the best medicine there is.

it's strange yet so simple, you know? that week i spent with my love by my side, just allowing ourselves to live for once....i never felt so stable. i had a very minimal amount of mood swings. i felt more calm. very little anxiety or stress.

i felt free.

and even better, it's the same way for this person i'm with. we have this effect on each other. everything just works. i was scared to be in a relationship with distance, but it's really just fine because we make it work. we are so intertwined, stuck together till the very end.

that's why i'm not afraid to speak my mind, to be open about things, even my past with other people. chances are, anything i ever write here, i've already told my love about.

we are strong enough to handle those things, and i'm glad because our past relationships partly shape how we are with later ones and it's important to be able to understand each other like we do.

that way, we fully and truly love each other. we become untouchable. there is no turmoil within the threads that we've sewn together because we didn't let fear get the best of us. we have trudged on with courage and hope and dedication.

i really think we're amazing.

so i don't expect you to understand. you may try, or you may think you get it, but you aren't feeling this like i am.

and that's okay. i am me, not you, and i'm happy it's like that. i never expected you to understand, i just wanted to express my feelings, my thoughts, and let the world judge me, or my family or my friends judge me, as they will.

it doesn't change a thing.

this love conquers all.

with all my heart,
Heather

humanity.

i am happy.

fluffy dreams of bubblegum and cherry trees and sunshine.

walks below a clear blue sky and swimming in a crystal clear lake and dancing to the sweetest songs.

nobody can pull me down.

rainbows and unicorns and fairytales.

i love my job. my home. my life.

these days are the best, and always will be.

you see, i am me. free to go with the wind.

warms words and joyful thoughts. and love is easy, isn't it?

i don't need to explain myself.

the spell that keeps me here with you

when i make promises and i'm being very serious about them, i am bound to them. in the sense that, no matter how messed up i'm feeling, how much i'm freaking out, or how far off the path i've gone, if i am considering doing anything that would somehow break these promises i feel a force pulling me away from such notions.

it feels strange, but i'm glad i am like that because there have been times where that trigger is the only thing that has caused to me to turn back, to look back and see that i need to keep going, no matter how much pain i'm in.

there is someone out there who i promised i would never leave, not of my own accord anyway. so every time i walk away, if i get too close to really staying away, that little click in my head is the switch that makes me turn around.

love is the answer.

i found that there is someone i can be with who gives me stability. i don't know how. i'd like to say it's magic. life is full of magic.

maybe some people don't believe in magic. but i do. it's everywhere. and it gives me hope for the world. it's something really special and good for all of us. there is magic for everyone, i believe, if they choose to see it, to let it be whatever it will be.

all my love,
Heather

incumbent flux

a prisoner of my own head.

i love my life. i love where things are headed because it holds a lot of promise. it has come down to just surviving, for now.

i have a temporary escape from the stresses i was facing before. getting away and being with family and having people to talk to, this is nice.

my problem is my own brain, chemically imbalanced as it is. things are starting to drag me down and i am falling back on my old habit of hiding it because i don't know what should be said and how i will be treated if i let these things show.

i'm afraid. it's not easy to be sitting here trying to push these feelings away. it's tough because there isn't some underlying issue for me to face, to work out. i'm stuck with this for the rest of my life and only one thing really helps and that's too far away for the moment.

i want to be alive again. really life. really feel. break free from this chaos.
at least i don't have too much longer to wait for salvation.

all my love,
Heather