and you just don't see the light

damage control anyone?




yesterday, the pastor at one of the churches i was going to came to visit me. of course, it wasn't just a visit. it was an attempt to figure out why i stopped going to church, with a side of trying to get me to return.

made me feel a little guilty with the whole bit about how everyone misses me and asks about me and how God says we need to go to church no matter how we feel.

i stopped going to church though because i just don't feel it anymore. not to mention i've never believed in only one god anyway and all the stuff that goes with it.
so i stooped going.

and then people wonder why.

i tried to be honest with the pastor though. i told him about how i have been depressed lately and how i don't really know what i believe in and that i just don't feel like going anymore.
but of course, he's one of those people who is so very into his religion that there's no room for any other. so how the heck do i get through and make him realize that it's not what i believe in?

i feel kinda bad though. i mean, i started going to church basically in support of my father, who works there. at times, i started to think maybe it was something i could go with, something i could believe in. but my heart has never really been in it. i just don't believe it. i can't.

i know there are those of you out there that fully believe in one god and jesus and everything, and i totally respect that, but it's just not for me. i've tried to believe in it. i made the effort. nothing changed though. not for me.


so now i don't go.

but now people wonder.

i'm not sure what to do about it.

religion can be complicated and difficult and sometimes it's a really touchy subject for people. i plan to tread carefully.

but otherwise, well, i'm not sure how this is all going down.
i wonder what he'll do when i continue not showing up though.

i'm just tired of pretending.
i want to be me.

with all my heart,
Heather

dream without sleeping

don't wanna lose this fight.



the days wear on me.
i do my best to stay afloat, keep my head above the surface, don't drown, don't drown.

i feel like i am two people.

there is the girl that swims by and excels and speaks clearly and can't be brought down.
and then there is she who always struggles and cries out and wants to curl up and hide away.

it's weird. i go back and forth between the two.
maybe it's just a mask though. is that it?
keeping a smile on my face and pushing through the day and appearing to be fine.
coming home and crying and feeling lost and worn out and afraid.

i feel like it's more than that though.
it's fighting. it's surviving. it's doing what i have to do to get by.
it's putting on a mask and forgetting that's what it is so i end up believing i'll be okay.

or something like that.

i don't know why, but it makes me smile.

i get the feeling i'm on the right track here. i mean, with my life.

surviving. in my world, it may be the best i can do.
with what i have to deal with, but i'm glad things aren't worse.

i may feel defeated at times, but i always manage to get back up again.
and to me that feels like an accomplishment.

all my love,
Heather

they echo me

"i am going away for a while
but i'll be back
don't try to follow me
'cause i'll return as soon as possible

see, i'm trying to find my place
but it might not be here
where i feel safe
we all learn to make mistakes

and run from them, from them
with no direction
we'll run from them, from them
with no conviction

'cause i'm just one of those ghosts"
-Paramore



i am loving that song at the moment. it fits my mood at the moment.
i recently bought the cd Brand New Eyes because i had been listening to the songs online so much of the time that it seemed to be worth it. now i can just turn on ym cd player and listen to it in my room.
i seriously don't know what i'd do without my music. it's the only thing that keeps me sane at times.


i love reading poetry and prose, too.
on deviantart, i watch a lot of amazing writers and their work is always so beautiful and inspiring. and it gives me something to relate to, and something i can love. i smile or cry or something. and some of these writers write in such a way that all the images just flow so vividly in my mind and the colors are so bright and i feel like i'm swimming through misplaced memories and reliving feelings i've already felt, but at a much greater depth. it's lovely.

lately, i'm also really into photography. the things one can express through a photo...


it's all so beautiful and so full of emotion and it's something that keeps me alive.
makes me feel alive.
makes me feel.


i may be depressed. really depressed right now. but still okay, somehow.

all my love,
Heather

we are just misguided ghosts

So I know I'll be okay.

I'm disappointed and sad and frustrated and mad and all that, but it's not really getting to me too much. or at least, i've been depressed but it isn't affecting how i get through my day.


as for school, well, i'm still getting A's on everything. usually 100%. i feel pretty good about it. i've gotten into the habit of studying every night and doing my homework the day i get it and all that. getting close to only having 1 month left of these classes. of course, next semester the classes will be more difficult, but i'm not all that worried because i know i'm completely capable of getting through them and doing well.

i feel pretty dang cool though for all my perfect scores and seeing those A's really makes my day. especially because it's all me.

i felt pretty cool today when my teacher in career development read off of my paper and said it was a good example for what we were supposed to have done.

i love my teachers. they can be really cool and they actually really care.
-my pharmacology teacher brought us cupcakes today because everyone in the class got an A on the last test.
-my A&P teacher bought me some cool socks because she happened to see them at a store and it reminded her of some of the other socks i wear sometimes(i sometimes wear cool striped socks to add a little spunk to my uniform)

i like my teachers also because i feel really comfortable with them. i feel like i can talk to them about anything i need to. it's cool.

i do sort of have friends at school. i even found this one guy the same age as me who likes anime. i like having people to talk to. i don't feel quite as lonely as i used to.

i still really miss getting to hang out with people and have fun though. i miss my family, too.

i'm still not really sure where i want to go or what i want to do once i finish school. i'm kind of interested in radiology, but i'm totally sure about that. i want to try just being a pharmacy technician first before i move on to anything else.

i'm not sure if i want to move back to CA or not. i love CA and i especially love some of the people out there, but economically speaking it wouldn't be such a good choice. i've been considering moving to OK though. possibly.
like i said, i'm not really sure.

all my love,
Heather

Where's your gavel? Your jury?

What's my offense this time?



I can't freaking believe it. Another whole blog deleted just like that. It's pissing me off. I get close to finishing and then it all gets deleted.


Basically, i'm hurting all over again because I put my heart on the line and trusted someone again. Someone I should've been wary of. Someone I should've pushed away at the start.

I keep letting people in only for them to crush me more.

I just wanted it so much though. I wanted to be happy again. And I was.
Until he just ditched me out of the blue.

I didn't even see it coming.
Nothing happened. i did nothing. he did nothing. and then he disappeared.

i definitely have no respect for someone who doesn't even have the guts to say anything to me. that's just plain rude. and really mean, in this particular case.
not to mention, really hurtful.
ow. ow.

I should've seen it coming. But I just couldn't help myself.
But now I know he isn't worth my time.

So much for that. I'm pretty pissed and sad, and I'm still so confused because I still haven't been given any explanation to all this shit going on.

I still want to know why. But I guess, chances are, I'll never find out.

I just don't get how people can go and treat me like crap when I treat them with such kindness, respect, and love, to the best of my ability.

stupid people, i guess.

it's just hard though. hard for me. I keep giving in and getting hurt. over and over.
ow.

i want so much to really trust people again. but i keep getting all these lies and all this hate directed at me and blame and blah blah blah. people can be so mean.

something i'll never understand.

with all my heart,
Heather

think of me when you're out, when you're out there

i'll beg you nice from my knees





so i typed up this whole blog just now and then i lost my connection and it didnt freaking save it.



basically, i'm frustrated like crazy right now.
i have a really hard time dealing with things i just don't understand.
it hurts, too.
i have no idea what the hell is going on.
and i have no idea what i was thinking in the first place.

when this whole thing began, not too long ago, i was all psyched up about it. and now it's already turned to crap. pretty much. and i have no answers yet.

freaking sucks is all. yep.


i'm afraid of ending up alone and sad. i'm afraid of missing out on love.
that's one of the best things about life.
i just can't let it go.


i'm hoping on someday.

with all my heart,
Heather

as the sun sets, i'm still waiting

i don't get it.
he won't talk to me.

it's a bit nerve-racking when you're good friends with somebody and then all of a sudden they won't talk to you anymore even though nothing happened. as far as i know, anyway.

i'm just so confused.
i wish i could at least get an explanation. or something.
i mean, he's not acting strange otherwise. everything else seems normal. so why the heck am i being ignored?

bleh.

i can't believe it's already almost september. time is going by pretty fast for me lately. so crazy. i have six more weeks left of these classes.
wow.