i'm much too empty

but so full of words.
my favorites from my random daily poetry:

1.
the frost is setting in
winter is always cold
i dream so much about you, yet
still i am alone

and if you were to come back to me
i wonder what it is you'd see
for as i lay dying on this night
i pray you'll never reach me

2.
we fly and then we fall
we run and then we crawl
we dream of what we saw
but you're better than nothing at all

3.
the moon was pale and cried last night
out to the ocean she loves
for the stars have all forsaken her
and she feels all alone


the ocean with its mighty tides
made waves that stretched like arms
and wrapped her, held her tight
until morning turned to dawn

4.
black heart
how i despise you
how i fight against you
how i cling to you still
how i always will

black heart
how i wish you would burn
how i miss you in turn
how i want something more
like never before





and so..

i am thankful for this day,
for stars that never seem to fade away,
for dreams that last,
for love long past

i am thankful for me,
for who i aim to be,
that though my love fades,
my heart stays


with all my heart,
Heather

i'd watch the stars die

if only you would...




i keep thinking about things today. oh, wait, that's every day. so,
more specifically, i've been contemplating my weaknesses and strengths.
where my life has meaning and where it falls apart.
the things that add a little burst of starshine to my day.

i have been writing these little poems on an avatar site that my random buddies on there read. which, to my surprise, they actually do. even better, i keep getting all this positive feedback on my poetry. though it's all done on the spot, i've been relatively happy with how each little piece has turned out, and others seem to enjoy it.
i like this spark of creativity in me. i'm challenging myself in this way, also, to have to come up with something on the spot with any actual merit.
and i've learned that i'm quite capable of doing so.
makes me feel a little warm and fuzz inside when people leave comments on my poetry.
i often don't get any on deviantart, mostly because i'm not that popular on deviantart. because deviantart is in many ways a popularity contest and honestly i've felt put down by it sometimes, but overall i still enjoy it.
i am thankful i can write like that, that i'm able to. and i'm thankful for the people who leave me those comments. it makes me smile.

as for weaknesses...
well, i'm really struggling here. with dieting. you wouldn't believe how hard it is to stay away from food i'm not supposed to eat when i'm on a medication that makes me hungry almost all the time. the only time i'm not hungry being when i'm stuffed.
i crack under pressure. almost every day.
where the heck did i find the willpower to do that fast?
that shouldve been harder. or you'd think it would be, maybe.
but when i'm actually eating, i have options, and i tend to be hungrier.
on the fast i just drank my apple juice when i got hungry and i was fine.
but now that i'm back to eating, it bothers me all the time.
i literally feel like 'll go crazy if i don't eat sometimes. that's fairly accurate. i get jittery and racing thoughts and stuff like that when the hunger is there. which tells me it's all in my head. and i'm sure it's the medication, but i can't do much about that. this is the third med i've tried and trying to find another would be too much. really.
i'm trying to figure out how well it's actually working.
like, i don't know if i'm still getting depressed too often, manic too often, even on this medication.
i'll have to ask my therapist about it.

i totally cave every time.
maybe if that stuff just wasn't in the house, but that can't happen.

anyone have any tips on what i could do to get myself to eat less?
and maybe how to fight sugar cravings rather than giving into them?
because i really don't know what to do.
something screams at me for sweet things until i give in and have a little bit of something like bread or oatmeal or juice. but then i tend to overdo it and eat too much of it because i keep feeling hungry.
i've been thinking of trying to drink water whenever i get hungry but i can't seem to get the method down correctly. maybe it actually is a good idea if i could only get it right.

i think that's really it. i gotta get working on my illustrations.
but first...a bike ride! since i missed out today going on the rail trail because my father didn't want to go.

all my love,
Heather

sometimes the weak become the strong

believe in me.

i love that song. Staind is amazing. just sayin'.


so...
wow.
i can;t remember what i wanted to say. my father is talking on the phone and i can't think. he's too loud...

oh!
so i want believe i'm becoming stronger.
as a person.
i have changed and i am better about a lot of things, and i don't know.
it's tough when someone puts me down and it breaks me a little and i'm hurt because it's someone i care about. it's so tough, but i handled it well enough.
i got my feelings out and let it go and didn't press the matter.
i won't lie...i'm still a bit bothered.
but i'm not going to let it hang over me.

i'm going to be going to school for something i'm interested in that works for me, but otherwise i'm not really sure what i want.
what i want. who i want.
where do i want to be?
life is confusing.
i am thankful i have time to figure things out though. i am thankful i see that.
even if sometimes i feel like i'm running out of time.

it's all one big adventure. somehow. a journey.
i tend to life when i'm really living it.
that just isn;t how it is right now though.

all my love,
Heather

and no bird sang

*sigh*
my father sometimes....
he's the only thing in my life that triggers my suicidal thoughts.
i guess i'm just so fragile still.
but being yelled at a lot is hard on me. especially when the reasons are stupid or something like that.
he got mad because he thinks i lied about eating a cupcake i didn't eat. i mean...seriously? even if i had eaten it, i don't see the what the bid deal was, considering he shouldn't be eating them anyway since he's supposedly on a diet, or so he says, but he keeps eating things he's not supposed to.
i really shouldn't be eating them either, but i brought one home from church anyway.
so he found the wrapper to the one i had brought home in my trash because yes, he tends to go looking through my trash, which creeps me out and pisses me off in a way. so automatically he assumed i must have eaten on of his cupcakes because oh, that MUST be the ONLY explanation.
then he proceeded to be mad because my room isn't clean. and he wanted to vacuum.
and he was going in my room and moving stuff around and taking things and all this shit, and that's when i notice and think..wtf??
i'm very particular about people going through my stuff whenever they feel like it. it sets me off. it feels like a total invasion of privacy, and while i don't have anything i'm afraid he;ll find, it still bothers me so very much.
but it was him yelling at me, over and over.
he told me he was doing it so he could vacuum my room. and he got mad, yeah, but he didn't even think to do the more sensible thing and ask me first to pick things up myself. he never asks me about anything like that. he just marches in and does what ever he feels like.
he's such a control freak.
i can't even have my room how i want it, and i'm 20 years old. i can't have privacy. nothing.
he actually goes through the stuff of the other guy living here, too. and does the same thing. takes stuff.
whenever i start to say something back to him, trying to defend myself and fight back because i shouldn't have to take that crap anymore, he just says, "i'm not arguing with you."
really? oh. my. god.
every single time, he says that. every time. when he's the instigator and quite frankly i feel that i should be allowed to have my say.
but no.
because people are going to keep putting me down and i'm just not allowed to defend myself. ever. i'm supposed to be this little thing that just deals and does what she's told and gets hurt for it anyway. even for being good.

i'm so sick and tired of life being that way.
why me?
because i care too much that i don't really put up much of a fight.
because i'm so fragile. so fragile. it's easy.

when people yell at me, in that angry sort of way, i always crack. after everything i've been through i'm always half afraid my father will hit me, even though he never has, just because he has that same kind of voice as others have who have hit me before.
i'm still so fragile and i can't help it. and it breaks me down. i break under the stress of trying to handle getting yelled at like that.

i wanted to just run away this morning.
i've been taught that if there is something/someone in my life that is a trigger for my suicidal thoughts, that i should try to get away from whatever it is.
but of course, i am pretty much stuck here.
my only other option is a homeless shelter.
which this morning i was thinking about except for one thing: school.
i need to go to school and get on with my life.
and if i leave, that won't happen.
miserable situations.

i went out on a walk while i cried, and when i came back, my father acted as if nothing had happened.
but me, my day is pretty much ruined.
my spirit will remain low.
that's the way things work with me.

fragile.
i'm too fragile.
always.
that hasn't changed, even though so much about me has.

i guess i'll have to keep dealing with him though.
but i like him less and less as time goes on.
he's such a fake. and a liar. and i tend to despise people like that.

i'm thankful i have friends and family who aren't that way. i'm thankful i'm not that way.

all my love,
Heather

good news, bad news

good day/bad day all in one.
yes.

i don't know what to say.
i'm depressed. somehow. some way.

oh, but i have a poem to post:

turn me away and
i'll dwell with the stars
i'll let the fire burn up my heart
let the flames flow through my veins
and spread my light through
the oceans of the sky

strike me down and
i'll stay with the earth
my bones will be as roots
bones that grow to new heights
and spread my branches out
in the forests of the wild

take your leave and
i'll go with the wind
i'll run fast along the equator
run where the clean air leads me
and spread over the lands
where i shall never find an end

learn to love me and
i'll come into you
i'll dance to your every song
dance until my time is gone
and fly with grace into
the beauty of your life



so yeah.
i am thankful for song and dance and praise. something to light up my day.
i am thankful for myself. i think. somehow.

it's hard to see the light tonight.
it's too dark.

all my love,
Heather

better is one day

i gazed out the window of the car, at the water of the lake as we passed it by, in the dim, grey light of the night. i remember back in the days when i used to sit beside him in his car as the miles passed by, how i would gaze at the river, how in the evenings when the sun was down it was easy to imagine that the water was the sky. the reflection of the trees sretched out to become like pillars that held us up in this grey sky.
i remember the fear. he would get so angry sometimes. i remember the fear that one day we would really take the plunge off the edge of the road. i recall that sometimes the fear would freeze me in my place, and i would become unable to speak. and i could only pray in my heart that my fear would not be realized.
and sometimes we came close, too close for comfort, really.
and i only became more afraid. so afraid.
how we might dive into that grey sky, how we would sink, how we would fall, how we might drown.
i was so scared.

looking out on that lake tonight i remembered that old fear. and felt it creep into my veins for just a moment. felt it cover my skin and cloak me in darkness. felt it take over for just that one moment.

and then it was gone.


-----------

so tonight i got to dance and enjoy myself a little bit at the reception after the renewal of vows. it was all old music, but i can dance to anything. pretty much.
so i danced.
and felt a happy for a little bit.

but i just felt even more alone in that crowd of people. alone and out of place.
oh well.

i am thankful i'm not afraid to dance in front of people. i love dancing. i miss dancing with my friends.
i am thankful for music. once again. love of my life, in a sense.

all my love,
Heather

here i am, take me apart

take me apart.


i keep getting this feeling like i'm lost. like love is lost. love is gone.
away with the sun. far across the sky a star runs away and dies but i am nothing anymore.

dead butterflies.
i saw many yesterday.
i went to a little nature center that had them in little glass cases.
some of them were so shiny and colorful and magnificent.
just felt like mentioning that.

today was boring.
i did nothing of significance.

tomorrow i go to a vow renewal ceremony. woo.
see people i'm technically related to who i've either never met or only saw when i was so young i don't remember them now.
pretty much.

it's going to depress me.
the thought of a 60th wedding anniversary depresses me.
yes.
because i only ended up thinking of the absence of that kind of love in my life.
and it depresses me.
i'm getting depressed now by thinking about it.

so moving on...
well, i am thankful for music. music is love.
i am thankful that i sing. yes.
that is all.

all my love,
Heather