sometimes things just work out

sometimes you just have to be patient.


went to my appointment for OVR yesterday. no issues, for once.
straight to the point, i'm getting the money to go towards my school loans.
so yay!
less money i have to pay back.

i also can get help with other stuff apparently. it's exciting. i feel a lot better about some things now.

i have opportunites for help getting a job and also help to pay for driving lessons once i get my permit. awesomeness.

i think things should work out okay. i can't wait to get out of my father's house.

all my love,
Heather

o love, o sweetest love of mine

O, how my heart
doth leap for my love
O, how the sun
doth shine above

forgive my follies
forsake me not
retreat from sorrows
for joy you sought

O, how the stars
doth shine for us
O, how thy love
feel e'er wondrous

dream in whispers
feel the dawn
know the promise
of joy once gone

O, how today
doth gleam in my eyes
O, how my love
doth bring the sunrise


---------------------------

so...

life. i don't know. my love never ceases to amaze me, never ceases to bring even more to all of this. so much more. it only gets better. every day. i am amazed. this is so...amazing. words cannot truly describe how i feel. i never felt like this before. not like this.
this is so much greater. i do not know how to tell other people how i feel about him. i do not know how to explain what i feel, deep down. what i feel about all of this.

i am thinking.
i am thinking there is something greater out there than you and me. something greaters than the earth, the oceans, the sky, the stars.

i am thinking the most amazing things can happen when you least expect them to.
i am thinking the greatest things can appear in the places you least expect them to.
the most extraordinary people can be found in the most ordinary places.

i am glad i am an artist. glad i am a poet. glad that i am me. i am who i am. for otherwise, this certainly would not be.

and i am so thankful. forever and ever.

and i am so happy. and sometimes not as happy, but still quite happy.

and every time i am sad and alone and feel like sliding all i do is think of him and somehow am filled with so much strength that avoiding bad things seems so easy.

happy birthday love. you are so sweet.

i am going to go swim in the stars now and dream of the eyes that capture my heart every time. that is what i will do now.

all my love,
Heather

who am i? and what is real?

i am me.

i think too much.
dreams and reality often melt together (i attribute this to my ever-failing vision).
when dreams and reality both look blurry, when both feel real, how do i really know the difference?

like, have you ever wondered if you're really awake when you're dreaming, and when you're dreaming is when you're really awake? how do we know for sure?

someone may point out that it can't make sense that way because of how much dreams vary? but i have often felt too much in my dreams to disregard them as simply "things my mind makes up."

if i asked someone in my dream to pinch me, i would feel it. this only adds to the confusion.

as of late i am confronted with at least a few particular spirits, spirits of negative energy, seemingly drawn to my fragile, innocent being. they torment. they watch me. they pick at me. they try to make me hurt.

last night was frightening. he was right over me, ugly teeth pressed uncomfortably close to my ear, whispering in some malicious and strange language, suffocating me.
but i took that light i now have in my heart, my love, and i used all the strength i could muster to break free of that darkness that choked me. what came out was not words at all, just sound, but it broke through the darkness and pushed that spirit away.

i was bombarded by nightmares last night in the aftermath, each time increasingly worse, more frightening.

they use fear to scare you. to hurt you. to make you feel bad things.

but i am fighting.
i am fighting because there is love in my heart and a light, a fire that cannot burn out so easily, the fire of a star inside of me.

i have love. i can beat them. i will not let them hurt me.

all my love,
Heather

this rant is long overdue

I am tired of most times only having week-old bread to eat, cold showers that make my back hurt, and trying to sleep at night in a freezing room where my only source of heat is an old electric blanket (if and when it actually works at all).

I am irritated that my father is willing to spend a couple thousand(or more) on kitchen cabinets, yet complains about having to pay for things like bulk pre-packaged turkey and cans of spinach. Between the lack of decent food, sleep, and the growing mold problem, no wonder I feel sick all of the time. FML. I can't wait to get out of here.

I think I may be getting anemic again. I'm back to having orthostatic hypotension. I have very little energy. I more frequently am having bouts where I collapse and can't get up. My back spasms are worse. My stomach obviously hates me now. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I would try telling my father that i'm having trouble and ask him to help more, but every time I ask him for anything at all he holds it over my head.

I am really hoping that I get this job. I need to get out of this place as soon as i can, if nothing else than for my physical well-being.

I have come to severely dislike my father. He lies, he's hypocritical, he always thinks he's right, all he does is argue with me whenever my point of view differs (which is most of the time), he makes me feel guilty about anything he buys for me ( and complains if i use it up "too fast").

my father is one of those fake people. you know, the ones who tells different groups of people different things so that he appears as a good, seemingly respectable person to everyone out there.

it is unfortunate that as much as he complains that he never got to raise his children, and as much as he claims that he loves that i live with him now, that he consistently has failed to properly care for us.

i feel very fortunate to have a real father back in Cali, who I love so much, who actually genuinely cares about how i am doing, and at least tries to understand where I'm coming from, and tries to help me out where he can, without overstepping his boundaries and without making me feel shitty.

Yet, my father wonders why none of his children really like him anymore, if he even realizes that we really don't like him.

If I get this job, I will probably stay in PA, but I intend to cut myself off from him as much as possible.

I tried to tell myself, despite all the crap, that my father is my father and it wouldn't be fair to not invite him to my wedding, but...by this point, screw it all because he doesn't freaking deserve even that. Especially considering I can't trust him to try and make everything about him, like he always does.

I am looking forward to the day i get out of that house, the day I never have to look back. I'm done with all the bullshit that goes on there.

I promise I'll attempt to post something more positive tomorrow.

all my love,
Heather

how my life surprised me (how i changed my mind)

taken from my deviantart journal-

three months and 2 days ago dates my last suicide attempt

two months and two days ago dates the day i intended to be my last day ever

that is, until a note from a stranger changed my mind



i was lower than i've ever been before. i had finally broken down, to the point where i was determined to no longer stick around. i had a plan on that day, november 7, 2010. i went to school as usual. i came home. i had decided that night would be my last. the next day i wouldn't wake up.

but when i got home from school, i figured i would take one last look at facebook, gaia, and this place: deviantart.
i came to the site. went to my messages. to my surprise, someone had sent me a note. it was a random note from a random stranger who randomly happened to come across my art while doing a search for something (so far he can't remember what he was searching for that day).

and the note read:

"You've got some great artwork and poetry! Hope you don't mind I added you on yahoo messenger! Was hoping to get to know you a little better! Anyways hope to speak with you soon, and keep up the awesome work! :)"

and something inside of me came to life, where nothing else remained. a spark, a sudden flame that ignited and filled me.
someone wanted to talk me. and something inside of me told me i should give this a chance. because somehow it seemed like maybe something big was about to happen. i wasn't sure what. maybe it would be as simple as someone who could somehow change my mind. had i found a new friend? had i found a new hope?

i grabbed hold of this small light and didn't let it go. i changed my mind, at least for that night. i figured a few more days couldn't really hurt.

it was not until the next day that we first held a conversation with each other, via yahoo instant messenger.
it started out as typical conversation, with typical questions, about where we were from and what we liked and etc.

but then it kept going.

and suddenly, i added someone new on facebook.

and we kept going. kept talking.

and the next thing i knew, i gave him my phone number. on any given day, this was a stupid decision. even though he gave me his first. why should i trust this person who i only ever heard of the day before?

finally, the conversation ended when i decided i needed to go for a walk. i needed a chance to think. i needed to fit this whole thing into the scheme of my life and process what it meant.

i wasn't really sure. on the surface, all i knew was, i found someone i felt like i could talk to, for whatever reason. someone, who in a way, seemingly understood me. without even knowing me all that well.

something clicked that day. something came to life. something began, without our knowledge. it was not until later on that our conscious minds/hearts finally caught on.

the next part is fairly ordinary. it goes like this:
we talked. yahoo messenger. texting. back and forth. every day. every day i got home from school, got online, and hoped he would be there.

finally one night, he asked if he could call me. i consented.
i do not really remember the contents of that conversation. i really only remember that he went somewhere to go get tea. and that i really enjoyed talking to him.
here was this guy, who i never met before, who kept making me smile and laugh every day. it was certainly something i wasn't used to. and i liked it. i craved it. it was simple and sweet.

later on came:
admitted feelings. first him. than me. yet inside, i still denied the whole truth. logic spoke. he lived too far away, hundreds of miles away, and i thought long distance things could never work, since they never did work for me in the past.

then came:
love. we stepped around the word for quite a while before finally owning up to it. before i finally admitted to myself that i was in love. since when did i get a new heart? without really noticing it? how could this be?
it hit me. it came out of nowhere. i realized that from day 1 the feelings were there. secretly. waiting for us to accept them.

now, on a side note, i don't really believe in fate. at least, i never really did before.

going back to the story, though, we finally said the "L" word. yes. it was a night i remember because, well, it was one of the last times i cut myself. there was one more time after that, later on, that threatened to ruin this whole entire thing. that is story for later, though, perhaps. some other time.

i was sick. i was lonely. i was breaking. i was in love.

and here was boy found a way to tell me but sticking it at the end of a poem he wrote.


my life turned around that day.

---------------------------------------

he is a boy from north carolina, slightest hint of a southern accent, carrying plenty of his own emotional baggage, just about as sensitive as i am, who was feeling pretty much the same i was before(that whole heartless feeling, minus wanted to actually commit suicide). yes, he is older than me (5.5 years). yes, i live up here in pennsylvania where mapquest claims the distance between us to be 330.87 miles. yes, we both live with our parents (or in my case, parent).

but he is one of the sweetest, kindest, most caring, most loving people you could ever hope to meet.

i am an artist who also dabbles in writing and loves to make up songs to sing. i fell in love with a poet who plays bass and actually makes me feel like i'm worth something. the whole thing feels like a fairytale and has this whole magical thing about it and simply works. it's weird because here i thought i would have to end up settling for less than everything i ever wanted and then one day its like he was a star who just fell from the sky and landed in my arms.

there are so many things that i wanted in an "ideal" love of my life. somehow, i got them all. and i'm not about to let him go.

this is right where i am supposed to be, is what it is.

i am very, very happy, and probably will be for a very, very long time.

all my love,
Heather

six words that burn into my soul

"You don't know how I feel."




because I do. and sometimes, I wish i didn't. because it means that I got really hurt. and it also means that you weren't really thinking about me, when you said that.

ow.

it stings.

like that time i tried to get the pizza out of the toaster oven and my finger touched the edge of the glass door and my finger burned and it stung so bad.

and i didn't care because you were there. and you made it all better. just like you always do.

love,

the thing is

things get in the way.



things always get in the way.
sitting there, with the pharmacology teacher talking about vasodilators and all i can think about is: what am i going to do if things aren't taken care of? what if this is just, sigh, just like last time?


here is the thing:
life is a sequence of choices. bad choices. good choices. stupid mistakes. intelligent moments. making a plan. making a plan b. wondering if plan a could be attempted again. realizing that's stupid. thinking maybe it isn't so stupid. no, wait, it is.
moving on. plan d? because plan c was nothing but, well, nothing. i needed time to think.

when two people come together, it means choice, events, and all the emotional baggage of each person kind of being thrown into a pile, and we try to sort through it together.

the thing is:
we always immediately notice what needs to be fixed. things that seem out of place. things we wish we could just through a way because there are so many pieces....where do you even begin?

the thing is:
people lie. people make promises they can't keep. won't keep. people try, but trying isn't always good enough.

the thing is:
nothing can ever be perfect. not even close. shit happens, as they say. whoever they are. and it sucks. it always sucks.

i try to focus on the good things. which i am actually getting much better at.

i have my moments, though, just like anyone else.

the thing is:
i have no idea what i will feel like/what i will do, if my heart gets broken one more time.

the thing is:
i can't really say more.

i can say that in time, the issue should be resolved. key word being 'should.' just because something should happen, doesn't mean it actually will. we all know that.

the thing is:
yes, i am in love.
yes, i know people are going to judge me for it. judge me for how i met the person i love. how old he is. how far he lives from me. how long i've been with him (because of how i feel already).
yes, it will irk me, at least a little, if anyone, at all, doesn't approve,
but.

but i will not really let anyone sway me
but myself
but i will listen and consider
but that doesn't mean it will change anything.

the thing is:
i am me.
i feel what i feel.
you don't know what i really feel.
i try to show people in the best way i know how.
i know i will not always really succeed at making my feelings out in some way that anyone can comprehend.

know that i try my best. that i care. that i am holding onto logic. reason. common sense.

when it comes to this.

because in the past, i know i haven't exactly done that. it always led to me getting carried away with emotions. to the point where i came out very wounded, more hurt than i should've been. times when i should've said no. times when i shouldv'e said goodbye.

i am listening to myself.
my heart. my mind. my body.
my needs. my desires. my goals in life.
myself.

all my love,
Heather