all remorse and no regrets

in regards to my previous post-

someone died. some of you might know about it and others might not. my mind in some areas has been a ship-wreck of confusion, disbelief, and despair. for me, this is the first time it has really hit me hard. for once, it was someone who at least in recent time i have seen often enough, someone who meant something to me in some way, and someone who's usually there.
not to say it wasn't kinda tough when my great grandfather died, but i rarely got to see him and so i never really made that kind of connection with him at all. and last year a friend died, but one whom i was not all that close to.

so now, here i am, just a little lost. it's just...weird. every time i think about it, my mind does flips or something. trying to think this person just won't be around anymore feels strange.
fortunately, i am spending the week with someone who understands what i'm going through. rather than sitting at home not knowing what to do with myself, since i have a week off of school, i have been helping out and working through the pain involved.

it's still weird though. and i have no idea how long it will feel like that. i think probably a while.

losing someone hurts. and it makes me sad. and sometimes i just feel like curling up and crying. but still, the largest impact is how strange it feels.

with everything i've gone through, i don't recall ever feeling this strange, so confused, so disoriented, so out of place.
weird, weird, weird.

all my love,
Heather

if i Can, sir.

And he’s gone.

And the sun doesn’t shine. It’s right in my eyes, yet it seems no brighter than the sky. I don’t even blink. My eyes are two blank spectres trying to pry into any worthy shred of meaning.

The sky is not beautiful.

There is music streaming through my ears, but I barely hear it over the thunderous silence. And it is lost to me. This music is not the same. I cannot listen like I used to. I cannot feel it through my bones as before. It is just noise.
No longer sacred. No longer tender loving to my soul.

There is pain.

I feel it in my lungs like the air is somehow changed. It’s festering in my chest and to take it away would be to shut down. Close the doors and tape my eyes shut and forget how to breathe.
Because breathing is too much and words cannot suffice and eyes cannot see what is just not there.

And I cried.

I spent an hour and tried to remember. I spent an hour and tried to forget. I lost my will and my heart disappeared and the world fell apart but I was still there. Filled with hollow life. Left with nothing and a room of strange thoughts. Inconsistencies. Confusion falls through and leaves us lost, and somewhere far back lies the trail we thought we followed.

But I tried to realize myself.

Here I am deep in a forest of unknown. I try to find life and and my eyes swallow tragedy. I’m inhaling despair and exhaling a lack of meaning. But I see the sun and I feel the rain and I know I’m still here.

And I found nothing but hurt.

A burning hole and a sinking ship cannot fight the sea. I don’t know how to swim through sticks. I don’t recognize the designs of the raging current. I’m drowning through air and falling through space and sinking into dust. I’m upside down with all the blood to my toes and I’m walking on stones and collecting bruises.

So I stand up.

I wake up. It is morning. I’m here.

standing on the hill

it's about learning to survive on your own.

you take flight and leave the world behind you, that crisp, autumn morning just a fragment of the past.
you reach for the sky and touch the stars and let your heart burn, never forgetting how they hurt you. never, ever forgetting how they loved you.
you hit the ground again and realize they're not even there. that they abandoned that place and gave up on you. that they never expected you to win.

but you did.



it's about learning to love again.

you leave off from the last place you swallowed, the sweet fragrance of your former lover's face, and those eyes that left holes in your spirit.
you reach out for another hand to hold and find just what you're looking for. only better.
you've moved on and you realize the game just doesn't have to be played forever. you could've quit last year. you could have left yesterday.

but life still goes on.




it's about learning to let go of the past.

you know your memories are one of the only things left in your possession. yet all you can seem to remember sometimes are the hurts that could haunt you forever.
you take a step back, for only a moment though, and you see the worth in what you used to feel.
you take a chance and let it all wash over you because you know that there had to be something special. there always is.
you let it spill out and stop fearing the chances of return. those times they'll get you back.

and your life starts here.

and we were only dreaming.

one of these days, maybe, i'll be happy with myself again.
it's strange, the effect other people can have on me. how a single smile can be like the sun and how the smallest motion can be what turns the world into something new and beautiful.


in the meantime, i'm going on a diet. for reals this time. today is day one. i've just had it with being overweight. it disgusts me, even if i don't really look "fat."
i still feel gross and i just want that to go away so i have to really work at it now. My first goal is to lose 20 pounds. It'll probably take a couple months but i know i can do this. i just have to keep encouraging myself.

no, i do not like others telling me what to do. especially not when that's mostly what i feel i'm getting out of a person. or that whole, "well, what you're doing right now is okay, but you really should do this afterwards."
not one person has told me that what i'm doing is great and they're glad i made the decision to do this. well, except my therapist, who keeps telling me i have all the time in the world and that my frontal lobe is still not fully developed and that kind of thing.

i guess all i really wanted was acceptance.

with all my heart,
Heather

and i thought i heard you wrong.

yesterday i got home and layed down on my bed and didn't get up at all, except to feed my puppy, until this morning.

i am tired.
all.
of.
the.
time.

no matter what i do. no matter how much i sleep or don't sleep. no matter how much i eat, what i eat, etc, etc.

and i don't know why.

i fight with myself to get out of bed in the morning. i fight with myself to stay up. to go to class. to keep my head up. to listen. to study in the evening.

i've been feeling sick a lot these past three weeks.
dizzy.
nauseous.
even more tired than usual.

i'm frustrated with my body.

and relieved that my mind is keeping up with things, rather than slowing down to.
i'm still getting all A's, most of them perfect scores, on my tests. i push myself to study and get all this information drilled in.
i know i can do it.

there's the side of me that's falling apart.

and then there's the side that just won't give in. the side i want to win.

but i'm afraid of breaking apart even more. yet that's exactly what threatens to happen.

i keep pushing, and pushing.
how far can i go before i break?

guess i won't know until it happens.
though i'm hoping it won't.

with all my heart,
Heather

sorrow lasts through this night

i'll take this piece of you...





so...i'm in my fourth week of school. one more week and then i get a break.


but getting down to the core...i'm sad. like...majorly sad. depressed. something inside me hurts. plus i'm having all this nausea and tonight a lot of breathing trouble and chest pain. the chest pain can get really bad sometimes. and yet, my doctor says that most likely it's anxiety.

and i'm thinking...well why the heck do i have anxiety right now. but i guess part of it at least is worrying too much about the future. i think about what's ahead too much. it freaks me out when i do. ugh.

love love love love fall apart now. can't figure out how
to win.

the loneliness sets in again.

all my love,
Heather

there's a reason for the world: You and I

so let's start with school. i'm ahead in keyboarding, i have over 100% in anatomy & physiology, and i aced my tests so far for medical terminology. can i get all A's? maybe. just maybe. wouldn't that be swell?
in other words, it's going well.

emotinally..things are a bit off. i've been depressed all this week. i try to pay attention to see if anything changed that could affect my emotions but i don't see anything there. just my typical mood swings maybe.
but i'm floating. flowing. i'm getting through and that's what i think counts. i think i'm learning more about doing what i need to while i'm low.

i'm just...down. and floating by. but getting through.

sometimes i shut myself in my room and just cry. sometimes i sing and hurt and wish i could fly away. sometimes i just feel lost. sometimes i feel like i'm already gone.

i had to get blood drawn today. i used to like getting blood drawn. but now my body reacts negatively to it and my arm is still sore from it. so now it's not so good.
my doctor wanted to check the levels of my meds.

i always feel like i'm medicated though. it causes a shift in my creativity. it's why i hate having to be on meds. i lose my spirit. and i hate that.
sometimes, i feel like maybe i'm still really living. sometimes, i feel alive.

but the rest of time...it's like drifting along and not having anything within me.
i don't know how else to describe it.

all my love,
Heather