stars in my lungs

the are little stars in my lungs that burn up my breath and turn everything to ashes.


something keeps getting built up inside of me. i feel like i could explode. burst into flames. go leap into the sky. just run away.
i don't know how to help rid myself of the feeling. nothing seems to be working. and it's starting to make me feel sick.
and it's so chaotic.

it makes me really miss yesterday. yesterday i felt pretty good, even though i had that same feeling of something building up and pushing against my skin from the inside.
it tends to make my emotions go haywire.
i seriously am getting too hot and a little shaky.
perhaps, i ought to find some form of release, but i don't know what.
i thought of going on a walk or bike ride, but my back is very sore, so i'm not sure i would last very long if i tried to do one of those things.
i already exercised earlier, but that didn't help much.
i feel rather exhausted, too.

but i'm getting fidgety. yet i feel so tired?
it's like having too much energy and no energy at the same time. i really dislike feeling this way. it usually doesn't go away except on it's own. or while i'm asleep at night.
or something like that.

i also sang earlier and played piano a little bit. and danced.
i want to write a song and use "stars burning in my lungs" somehow. and i want it to be a love song.
and i'd like to record it if i can get it all together properly. maybe?
i love music. it holds a kind of sanctuary for me.

i think that's enough for now. i can't think properly right now.
but i'll do my best.

all my love,
Heather

dancing through green fields

and there he was, all brilliant blue eyes and soft hair, holding out his hand towards me.
visions of joy.
of beautiful times.
we danced, and danced, and we ran along, hand in hand. and i remembered what it was like to be free. to know how to really live. to know how to really love.
and the fields were just so green. so splendid.
so perfect in those moments.

this was my vision in meditation yesterday. it was a truly wonderful experience, to be there, with that lovely boy, in an all too tragic time, but knowing bliss as magnificent as ever.

and we were dancing.
and getting older.
and times were changing.
and tragedies unfolded.
and we were dancing.



so, i do love to dance. i'm quite passionate about it, but i keep it to myself generally. dancing for me is a nice way to just let go. a good stress reliever.

speaking of which, i had a small anxiety attack today. only small because i kept it under control. but i was rather stressed out from it, and thus:
i missed out on the appointment i was supposed to have today. *sigh*
we went to the wrong address, i forgot my insurance card, road construction, etc, etc. so i had to reschedule. oh yay, more waiting.
that's okay though. i can wait a bit longer, i guess. it's only 2 more weeks anyway.

all in all, today turned out to be decent. the early stress of the day faded and i got to float for a little while. i got out and did plenty of biking and walking. i did well enough on my eating today, and yesterday, too. that makes me happy because i've really been struggling with trying to diet and keep eating things i shouldn't, but now i'm really starting to get on track. i've learned that i just need to let myself cheat, and not put so much emphasis on it when i do. that way i don't get so stressed out if i happen to eat one thing i shouldn't. this way, it's better because when i get stressed out, all tends to fall apart, and i end up giving up on trying to be good about it. and then i just eat more and more of what i shouldn't.

it's interesting. i've been on the happy side the past two days. which is strange because i'm almost always feeling low, and nothing has really changed that recently.
and when i feel good, i do better with eating and exercise. not to mention, i tend to have more energy. and more control.
ooh, i definitely love days like these. hooray for happy days!

i thought today about how i love making people smile, and how there have been so many moments when i've done a really good job trying to cheer someone up. i really like doing little things that make others smile. even if i'm feeling low, i can always find it in me to try for someone else.
now i just have to try for myself, right?
oh, trust me, i am.
no, really.

i'm still learning. i'm still growing. i keep moving forward, sometimes back, but generally forward. i think i'll be able to make good progress.
i know things are being sorted out. and it's me who's doing the sorting.
even though i'm not totally self-sufficient, i've realized i still have a lot of control over what happens.
so i'm making the most of what i can, and taking action, and i know that will pay off.

i can definitely see where there's hope for me.

well isn't life just sweet sometimes? it might just be an acquired taste, though.

all my love,
Heather

watch me as i fall

friday was so strange. i felt so weird, but i can't describe it accurately. i read over my blog from that day, which i seriously don't even remember writing.
it's like watching my mind trickle down into nothing.
i can see where i was starting to lose myself and notice how it turned into nothingness. just like that.
really, really strange.

so anyway, i'm really tired and can't really think of much to say.


voices. voices. voices.
i wonder, they seem to be getting worse.
eh.


still preparing for school. and my permit test.

and, and...
i see a doctor on tuesday. i'm looking forward to it because it will be a relief to finally be getting somewhere on what this pain is from. it has been much too long-going. something really needs to be done soon.

i am so tired. did i mention that? daylight savings time didn't help with that. it was still dark when i woke up this morning.
same thing with sleep as has been. i keep waking up various times throughout the night. the dreams are a bit less pleasant, somewhat murky, but have as warm a glow about them as ever. or maybe the colors are just changing.

it's nice to dream though, isn't it?

all my love,
Heather

kyrie eleison

i am in a daze right now. eyelids drooping, heavy.
and nothing really matters.

so what is this state of being?
surely, i am unraveling.
everything has become so difficult.
i no longer have what i used to.
it's all...gone...somewhere.
but where? and why? and how?

life makes me dull. on and on and on.
over and over.
wave after wave after wave.
my thoughts are incoherent.
my short-term memory is severely flawed unlike before.
i cannot seem to hold onto to anything. anything at all.
the charms of life no longer apply.

where is the beauty now?
it is in agony, inner and without, that i catch glimpses of it.
agony that seems so distant in those times.
but i feel it often scratching at the surface.
how truly dreadful.

or is this just another one. another soul.
how i long to know.


and for some reason, i cannot recall my name. how strange, indeed.
who am i, anyway?
what is this for?
but i feel the need to keep going.
keep typing.
tap.
tap.
tap.



my mind is blank and i am fading away. surely, i must be.

and i feel like i am falling, in place. falling, lost and seeing nothing.

what is this feeling?

i hope you dance

i am waiting in the pouring rain.
arms dangling. and fingers pressed on puffs of air. i do not
falter as the burning in my lungs grows and touches wistfully
at my ribcage, as the flames lick quietly up the walls of my heart,
as the kerosene spreads into my veins, my bones.
but i am trembling.

i am waiting for a heart like mine.
a heart that orbits my world in 2.17 seconds. a heart
that is not afraid to breathe in the fire. to live
with the ashes. he will twist and turn. writhe in agony.
and he will be mine, be forever.
in dreams everlasting.

i am waiting as i dance in time to the tune of pain.
the throbbing never ceases. the drums, unabated. there are
keystrokes and voices. whispering songs. my breath dies down
and my words fade away. and everything changes.
but i am not afraid.



and so i danced into the night.
just for on song though.
but it was magnificent, letting go out on the dark street.
the warm air set me free and i flitted to and fro with joy in my heart.
it is nice when i have times like that.
times when i'm alone, but feel so wonderful.
times when my soul is on fire, when the stars in my lungs burn with such intensity
i just have to get my feet moving.
there is some sort of ecstasy in it. i feel so renewed in those moments.
so alive.


i was feeling so inspired last night. and so light and fluffy.
ah, the sheets did feel so pretty and cool against my cheek.


oh blessed moment when my soul break free.




i am happy to say i am doing well so far in practicing and studying for my permit. i only got 4 questions wrong out of 120. i still need to study the driving record section. most of it is stuff about drinking, go figure. i'll probably be taking the test next month. i'm excited. i need to learn to drive already.
i feel so old.
and my younger sister, one of them, already drives. i figure i oughtta start driving before the other one gets there.
i do still have the issue of nerves with driving. i think i'm most worried about parallel parking.
and i don't trust my eyes all that much.
my vision tends to be clearer with contacts but i can't afford them yet. so glasses must do, for now.


i got a good bit of exercise in today. went walking and bike riding all over the place.

didn't sleep much last night, but the few hours i do get, i keep having the most pleasant dreams. it's really quite lovely like that. though i wish i could sleep more. i keep waking up though. and then i lie there and can't seem to fall asleep again for hours. hmmm...

i am still in a good mood today. exercise probably helps. listening to good music helps, too. and the beautiful outdoors, too, since these past few days have been warm and sunny. the fresh air really helps.
i'd suggest it to anyone. it's really quite nice.

all my love,
Heather

tungsten, your element; everlast, your promise

there is something beautiful inside of me.
i feel it growing. i do.
there's just sometimes i have to wonder.
and sometimes i forget to dream.
to cherish what's in front of me.

and there you are...



so i haven't mentioned yet that i've been having this significantly troublesome pain most likely in one of my ovaries. i have a feeling it's probably PCOS since i was at risk for it not too long ago, and it fits with my symptoms well enough. i'm going to a doctor on the 16th so that we can figure out whatever it happens to be and begin the process of fixing whatever is wrong.
i must say it worries me. i guess because it could be something worse. but i always think of things like that, don't i? actually, i'm really more worried about the pain in general, and wondering if i've waited too long to see a doctor about it, and wondering if it could mean worse things. i wonder if there could be permanent damage that can't be fixed at all. and i wonder about the process i'll have to go through to get this issue fixed.
and i'm hoping it doesn't get shoved off by the doctor as something less than what it is.
and anyway, this could be very likely be related to my weight gain, so i wonder if losing weight might get easier again when this issue is resolved.
and who knows what else it could be affecting?

now usually, i would question myself about thinking i have a certain health issue or another like this, but i feel rather certain of this one being something significant. probably because of the pain. the pain is always there. i do my best to ignore it because pain reliever doesn't really help. and the pain gets so bad sometimes i end up hunched over on the ground, down on my knees, trying not to scream.

uh. uh. uh.
pain.




today is one of those rare days of beauty for me. and only the later half of the day i've been walking on air. there is light and stars are bright on the inside of my heart. the burning in my lungs is vibrant as ever, but doesn't hurt me like usual.
the spaces with parts missing go by without so much notice because the sweetness in the wind dissolves into them and fills the spaces gently. ever so gently.

i think i will go dance in the night. it is calling.



and while i'm thinking of it, as i'm listening, octjado is amazing. i love his music. he's a friend of mine i met in college.

you can go here and listen if you like: http://octjado.bandcamp.com/album/grey-spaces-in-a-flux

all my love,
Heather

when you look for those words and cannot find them

i don't know what to say this time.
there are some people i just don't know how to talk to. or can't talk to about anything serious without getting upset because they just always seem to push buttons, no matter what it is.
it's tough when i feel put down by whatever they seem to be saying, but i can't help it. and i don't know what it is.
i try to get along with certain people, people i care about, and sometimes it just doesn't work. and i don't know what i can to do to change it. to mend this little wound that is always opened when they try to tell me about their side of things. and it's that kind of wound that stings so much it just annoys me.


anyway,
i'm doing well with diet and exercise. i've been basically sticking to my diet and i'm exercising even more than i was before. it's a struggle. i really have to live hour by hour with things because i've been so depressed that i have to force myself to do anything. i really have to keep pushing myself.

i'm looking forward to school though. having a routine like that will help me. i've noticed that giving myself things to seems to help, even if i have to fight with myself to end up getting them done.

i've been studying for my permit test as well. and they have practice questions online so i'm about to go see how many of those i get right.

so that's all for now.

all my love,
Heather