this is me feeling pathetic. wasted.
the trees and the sky both agree,
i'm much to low, down here on the ground,
to be reaching for them. but still i do.
and i hate how your promises are always breaking
at the wrong times, and how you're always
right when it comes to me. you always know just
what you should say, and it always hurts me somehow,
anyway.
and my heart is slamming up
against my ribs, wishing
to come out for once, and
bounce around on paved dreams,
those things i'm always singing about.
and we'll be like we were, but not so perfect,
and i will gently smile and sigh for
tomorrow.
the paint has splattered off the page because
we were reckless, two hearts running
right to the edge before turning,
almost falling back but not quite,
we skidded to a halt and left the stage
on opposite sides, so maybe those sides do somewhere meet,
and all this will come full-circle
in time.
and the stars keep on shining, as if to
say that life has no meaning, but keep
walking and you will find they really
burned out years ago when you were caught
up in some pretty romance and forgot
to notice how beautiful they could
be, if only you had watched them
all go out.
this is me feeling confused. and bitter because
someone made me cry inside.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
and we were free
i am of the flesh and there is bitterness in my heart.
and i live in humility.
i am but a humble soul stumbling along my path on this earth.
there is sunshine on this day; there is light among us.
the spirit moves among us.
i kneel, my palms pressed to the ground,
before the power of something greater.
the power that surrounds us now.
.................
i want to believe. and i do.
in something. it is many things.
i know not what it is for certain.
but i do not need t name it.
i do not need any labels.
i only need my faith, blessed faith
in what is.
the power of the spirit out there
in the sky. of the earth.
and that spirit dwells within me.
and somewhere in all of us.
and i believe.
for there is strength in faith
and there is wisdom.
and there is love.
......................
oh, my love
and my heart is with him.
always with him.
it always has been.
ever since we came together.
ever since we found each other.
and when i left him
i left my heart behind.
i could never detach it from him,
from his heart.
i gave him my heart and
i cannot take it back
and there it shall remain
in his hands
so now i wait to hear him say
that we will be one again
................................
today is a troubled day.
my eyes are so swollen and burning, i am tired and my head and face ache all over.
i found out today that an old woman of my church, someone who has become very dear to me, is on life support in the hospital. i sat next to her husband today at church. we all prayed for her.
this woman, she always puts a smile in my heart. with all her love and kindness. and her somewhat quirky personality. i really love her.
so i'm hoping for the best.
and we actually have a good many people in our church who have health troubles. besides my father, there are others with cancers, tumors, and the like. those who struggle every day to keep going.
they are right at death's feet, in a sense.
and they are such a blessing to me, all of them.
people of such faith.
such a wonder to behold.
there is so much power in faith. within and without. that's one of the reasons i go to church. well, i go to churches, but specifically i am referring to the second one i attend. at the church we are a family.
i cannot truly call myself a christian anymore than i can call myself a pagan or buddhist. those three i seem to be mixing, for me. or rather, i mix them into one thing, all my own. beliefs, rituals, practices, and customs. there are certain things from each that appeal to me.
christianity never appealed to me much until i started to going to the aforementioned church. there is a spirt, as i will call out, that moves among us there. it a such a strong feeling, of great power and faith, that i sense there. that moves me.
also, i do believe Jesus has some sort of significance because i had a vision of him once. he was in the strangest form, but i know it was Jesus. so there is that as well.
my belief and sky father and earth mother, as well as certain pagan rituals, holidays, and other things has kept me with paganism/wicca.
meanwhile, buddhist customs, and certain beliefs, have captivated me. i do very much like the way buddhist services go.
so i have this little mixture.
i find strength in my beliefs because though they are mixed and not specifically under one religion or another, my faith is quite strong. it is the number one thing that has kept me going all these years.
and all i really want is to be a good person. and my faith aides me in that.
so i keep believing.
i really think it's important to believe in something, even if it's not something so supernatural. it doesn't have to be a god or some higher power.
i mean, i guess it can just be yourself, the power you have within you.
but in general, something greater than flesh. if you get know what i mean.
all my love,
Heather
and i live in humility.
i am but a humble soul stumbling along my path on this earth.
there is sunshine on this day; there is light among us.
the spirit moves among us.
i kneel, my palms pressed to the ground,
before the power of something greater.
the power that surrounds us now.
.................
i want to believe. and i do.
in something. it is many things.
i know not what it is for certain.
but i do not need t name it.
i do not need any labels.
i only need my faith, blessed faith
in what is.
the power of the spirit out there
in the sky. of the earth.
and that spirit dwells within me.
and somewhere in all of us.
and i believe.
for there is strength in faith
and there is wisdom.
and there is love.
......................
oh, my love
and my heart is with him.
always with him.
it always has been.
ever since we came together.
ever since we found each other.
and when i left him
i left my heart behind.
i could never detach it from him,
from his heart.
i gave him my heart and
i cannot take it back
and there it shall remain
in his hands
so now i wait to hear him say
that we will be one again
................................
today is a troubled day.
my eyes are so swollen and burning, i am tired and my head and face ache all over.
i found out today that an old woman of my church, someone who has become very dear to me, is on life support in the hospital. i sat next to her husband today at church. we all prayed for her.
this woman, she always puts a smile in my heart. with all her love and kindness. and her somewhat quirky personality. i really love her.
so i'm hoping for the best.
and we actually have a good many people in our church who have health troubles. besides my father, there are others with cancers, tumors, and the like. those who struggle every day to keep going.
they are right at death's feet, in a sense.
and they are such a blessing to me, all of them.
people of such faith.
such a wonder to behold.
there is so much power in faith. within and without. that's one of the reasons i go to church. well, i go to churches, but specifically i am referring to the second one i attend. at the church we are a family.
i cannot truly call myself a christian anymore than i can call myself a pagan or buddhist. those three i seem to be mixing, for me. or rather, i mix them into one thing, all my own. beliefs, rituals, practices, and customs. there are certain things from each that appeal to me.
christianity never appealed to me much until i started to going to the aforementioned church. there is a spirt, as i will call out, that moves among us there. it a such a strong feeling, of great power and faith, that i sense there. that moves me.
also, i do believe Jesus has some sort of significance because i had a vision of him once. he was in the strangest form, but i know it was Jesus. so there is that as well.
my belief and sky father and earth mother, as well as certain pagan rituals, holidays, and other things has kept me with paganism/wicca.
meanwhile, buddhist customs, and certain beliefs, have captivated me. i do very much like the way buddhist services go.
so i have this little mixture.
i find strength in my beliefs because though they are mixed and not specifically under one religion or another, my faith is quite strong. it is the number one thing that has kept me going all these years.
and all i really want is to be a good person. and my faith aides me in that.
so i keep believing.
i really think it's important to believe in something, even if it's not something so supernatural. it doesn't have to be a god or some higher power.
i mean, i guess it can just be yourself, the power you have within you.
but in general, something greater than flesh. if you get know what i mean.
all my love,
Heather
Friday, March 5, 2010
behind these eyes
you'll find i'm not much good for anything....except love
so.
i'm feeling better, so let the stars enfold me once more, let the moon crash into me, let pixie dust fill my lungs until i can't breathe, until they explode, until there is a fire in my heart and white light where my eyes used to be.
let the snow melt away under the sunshine, and free my soul as it evaporates to join the sky.
oh, such is life.
i have bizarre, dark dreams, and i miss people. i feel very alone. well, at this moment, i am by myself, if we're not counting my puppy, and i don't mind. i think i'm getting used to the loneliness. maybe? because ever since my brother moved away i haven't had anyone to hang out with.
i'm stuck at my father's house 24/7 basically because even when he goes out, it's with his girlfriend, and he doesn't ever want me along, though he says otherwise.
i get it though. they usually go out to eat and he doesn't want to spend the money on me.
gah..he is such a hypocrite i kinda think. or just a stupid liar. or non-committal when there's no immediate threat. yet he complains. this mostly has to do with his health and weight, which he could do something about, and says he will, but he doesn't. because i'm pretty sure w all know that you can't lose weight if you're going to lay in bed nearly all day and you end up eating almost an entire bag of potato chips. and the excuse is, "Oh, well i can have these."
really? REALLY? R E A L L Y?
wtf. i just shake my head and try not to laugh.
oh, the idiots of the world. because i'm sorry, but my dad can be so stupid about so many things it pretty much drives me crazy. and then when he goes and messes with stuff in my room, moves something and i can't find it, etc, well that really makes me feel like punching him in the face. ugh.
ohohoho...so it's funny though. we are having a battle concerning showers. i have a routine set up so i end up doing things like i should.
so i was getting up at 6:30am to shower since it's during the time he has the water heater on. well, then he complained that it was waking him up and maybe i should wait till later. so then what? well, i started taking them at 6:45am instead.
but then, oh, he started getting up at 6:40am to take showers. and i thought: really now? what a douche.
so then i made my next move by going back to 6:30am. and guess what? now he's getting in at freaking 6:28am, only 2 minutes before i get up. WTF SERIOUSLY?
lol. so then, i said maybe i would just take them earlier then. and he said NO because he doesn't want to be woken up earlier. it pisses me off. especially because when he goes to take a shower that wakes me up. but haha, i'll get up at 6:20am and take one then. see what happen next. if he complains, well i'll tell him that i figured he would already be awake at that time since he usually takes a shower close to then, and what's 8 minutes anyway if he isn't already awake.
lalala...so.
i get to send for transcripts since i need them to put wit my application for school. i also get to take a sot of entrance test, which i think i should be able to pass the first time through.
oh, and i'm also studying now to take my permit test. woo! finally.
anybody who actually reads this is cool. totally awesome, yeah?
all my love,
Heather
so.
i'm feeling better, so let the stars enfold me once more, let the moon crash into me, let pixie dust fill my lungs until i can't breathe, until they explode, until there is a fire in my heart and white light where my eyes used to be.
let the snow melt away under the sunshine, and free my soul as it evaporates to join the sky.
oh, such is life.
i have bizarre, dark dreams, and i miss people. i feel very alone. well, at this moment, i am by myself, if we're not counting my puppy, and i don't mind. i think i'm getting used to the loneliness. maybe? because ever since my brother moved away i haven't had anyone to hang out with.
i'm stuck at my father's house 24/7 basically because even when he goes out, it's with his girlfriend, and he doesn't ever want me along, though he says otherwise.
i get it though. they usually go out to eat and he doesn't want to spend the money on me.
gah..he is such a hypocrite i kinda think. or just a stupid liar. or non-committal when there's no immediate threat. yet he complains. this mostly has to do with his health and weight, which he could do something about, and says he will, but he doesn't. because i'm pretty sure w all know that you can't lose weight if you're going to lay in bed nearly all day and you end up eating almost an entire bag of potato chips. and the excuse is, "Oh, well i can have these."
really? REALLY? R E A L L Y?
wtf. i just shake my head and try not to laugh.
oh, the idiots of the world. because i'm sorry, but my dad can be so stupid about so many things it pretty much drives me crazy. and then when he goes and messes with stuff in my room, moves something and i can't find it, etc, well that really makes me feel like punching him in the face. ugh.
ohohoho...so it's funny though. we are having a battle concerning showers. i have a routine set up so i end up doing things like i should.
so i was getting up at 6:30am to shower since it's during the time he has the water heater on. well, then he complained that it was waking him up and maybe i should wait till later. so then what? well, i started taking them at 6:45am instead.
but then, oh, he started getting up at 6:40am to take showers. and i thought: really now? what a douche.
so then i made my next move by going back to 6:30am. and guess what? now he's getting in at freaking 6:28am, only 2 minutes before i get up. WTF SERIOUSLY?
lol. so then, i said maybe i would just take them earlier then. and he said NO because he doesn't want to be woken up earlier. it pisses me off. especially because when he goes to take a shower that wakes me up. but haha, i'll get up at 6:20am and take one then. see what happen next. if he complains, well i'll tell him that i figured he would already be awake at that time since he usually takes a shower close to then, and what's 8 minutes anyway if he isn't already awake.
lalala...so.
i get to send for transcripts since i need them to put wit my application for school. i also get to take a sot of entrance test, which i think i should be able to pass the first time through.
oh, and i'm also studying now to take my permit test. woo! finally.
anybody who actually reads this is cool. totally awesome, yeah?
all my love,
Heather
Thursday, March 4, 2010
and when the stars fall
i keep wait, wait, waiting and still i'm getting nothing.
oh! but he did respond to something today! it wa something unrelated to us, but, none the less, it's significant because it means he's okay with me in some way. so yay! that;s a good sign.
and you have to know, i do realize that waiting and suffering because of it is completely, entirely, utterly worth it to me. so very much when i get the feeling things will work out as i'm hoping.
it might mean i'm in the right place right now. well, not physically, but..hmm...well, in this journey. i'm on the right road, rather.
the sun is oh, so, shining this day. it was stuck behind the clouds, and i started praying while i walked along, on one of my usual half-hour strolls, and i prayed, and then the sun came out into the bright blue sky just as i ended my prayer.
so i don't know if you believe in signs, but i sort of, kind of, maybe do, just a little, and i'd take that as a sign, some type of answer, some kind of meaning.
life can be lovely, i think. even when i'm down.
and i applied for a job today at a pharmacy. low chances of getting it, but hey, it's always worth a shot. at least i'm trying. that counts for something, right?
my heart is all up high right now. because he talked to me. i mean, really, he actually said something. he actually responded.
and that makes all the difference.
i have a renewed fervor for patience in all of this.
wait, they don't love you like i love you.
all my love,
Heather
oh! but he did respond to something today! it wa something unrelated to us, but, none the less, it's significant because it means he's okay with me in some way. so yay! that;s a good sign.
and you have to know, i do realize that waiting and suffering because of it is completely, entirely, utterly worth it to me. so very much when i get the feeling things will work out as i'm hoping.
it might mean i'm in the right place right now. well, not physically, but..hmm...well, in this journey. i'm on the right road, rather.
the sun is oh, so, shining this day. it was stuck behind the clouds, and i started praying while i walked along, on one of my usual half-hour strolls, and i prayed, and then the sun came out into the bright blue sky just as i ended my prayer.
so i don't know if you believe in signs, but i sort of, kind of, maybe do, just a little, and i'd take that as a sign, some type of answer, some kind of meaning.
life can be lovely, i think. even when i'm down.
and i applied for a job today at a pharmacy. low chances of getting it, but hey, it's always worth a shot. at least i'm trying. that counts for something, right?
my heart is all up high right now. because he talked to me. i mean, really, he actually said something. he actually responded.
and that makes all the difference.
i have a renewed fervor for patience in all of this.
wait, they don't love you like i love you.
all my love,
Heather
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference.
I'm not really that beautiful. Am I?
so I miss the way I used to feel. That's something I know truly was beautiful. That feeling. So it's something I hope one day I shall feel again. That would be wonderful.
meanwhile, i've made my decision. i'm ditching the online school idea. it's just not for me. it really isn't. i guess i knew that before, but i wanted to make sure. and my father seems to be accepting my choice, even though i overheard him on the phone said something that sounded like he thinks i should do the online thing, but whatever. it's my freaking future.
that reminds me of something else i don't like about him. whenever something happens with me, he's always telling everyone he knows about it. and frankly, i don't need that. plus, then i have nothing to tell people because they already know everything new that's going on. seriously annoying.
oh, and i had a little "WTF" moment when my dad got home from his staff meeting and told me that the pastor just went ahead and made a grooming appointment for my puppy. i mean, sure, she's paying for it, so not too big of a deal, but wtf? like, you're not even going to ask first? i know she bought me the puppy in the first place, but i don't like her just making decisions.
honestly, my puppy doesn't really need to be groomed. his fur isn't even close to being fully grown out yet, so there isn't much to groom. but whatever.
what's worse is, my father does it, too. i told him i have my puppy, Tobi, on a feeding schedule, and that i'll just be in charge of feeding him and giving him water, and he keeps going and randomly feeding him whenever.
and then today, he had a bone leftover from some barbeque steak thing and said something about giving it to Tobi. i told him not to, but what did he do? Well, of course, i went into my room to find Tobi with that bone.
it's just one more thing that feels like i don't get to have any control in my life.
it's my puppy, and my life, in general, and i want that control. but other people keep treating me like a child. it sucks that i'm stuck living with my dad, but at least i should be able to get out next year.
i want my freedom back. really, really, truly.
i can't help but thinking of the peple i miss. the times i miss. all these things, so many things, that i've lost. that are gone.
some things i might not get back.
and that scares me.
it does.
all my love,
Heather
so I miss the way I used to feel. That's something I know truly was beautiful. That feeling. So it's something I hope one day I shall feel again. That would be wonderful.
meanwhile, i've made my decision. i'm ditching the online school idea. it's just not for me. it really isn't. i guess i knew that before, but i wanted to make sure. and my father seems to be accepting my choice, even though i overheard him on the phone said something that sounded like he thinks i should do the online thing, but whatever. it's my freaking future.
that reminds me of something else i don't like about him. whenever something happens with me, he's always telling everyone he knows about it. and frankly, i don't need that. plus, then i have nothing to tell people because they already know everything new that's going on. seriously annoying.
oh, and i had a little "WTF" moment when my dad got home from his staff meeting and told me that the pastor just went ahead and made a grooming appointment for my puppy. i mean, sure, she's paying for it, so not too big of a deal, but wtf? like, you're not even going to ask first? i know she bought me the puppy in the first place, but i don't like her just making decisions.
honestly, my puppy doesn't really need to be groomed. his fur isn't even close to being fully grown out yet, so there isn't much to groom. but whatever.
what's worse is, my father does it, too. i told him i have my puppy, Tobi, on a feeding schedule, and that i'll just be in charge of feeding him and giving him water, and he keeps going and randomly feeding him whenever.
and then today, he had a bone leftover from some barbeque steak thing and said something about giving it to Tobi. i told him not to, but what did he do? Well, of course, i went into my room to find Tobi with that bone.
it's just one more thing that feels like i don't get to have any control in my life.
it's my puppy, and my life, in general, and i want that control. but other people keep treating me like a child. it sucks that i'm stuck living with my dad, but at least i should be able to get out next year.
i want my freedom back. really, really, truly.
i can't help but thinking of the peple i miss. the times i miss. all these things, so many things, that i've lost. that are gone.
some things i might not get back.
and that scares me.
it does.
all my love,
Heather
Monday, March 1, 2010
the firefly liberation
let me follow the path of the fireflies.
their lights shall lead the way into the stars, where i'll burn up in flight, gliding high above and away from the shadows that cast shackles around my ankles.
their wings shall beat to the rhythm of my heart as it pulls itself together again, all the pieces melting inward, all the love back in bloom.
let me follow the fireflies,
and i'll take you with me.
their lights shall lead the way into the stars, where i'll burn up in flight, gliding high above and away from the shadows that cast shackles around my ankles.
their wings shall beat to the rhythm of my heart as it pulls itself together again, all the pieces melting inward, all the love back in bloom.
let me follow the fireflies,
and i'll take you with me.
no satisfaction
i'm just not satisfied with anything these days. oh, and i don't know what it is that makes me that way.
i decided to change my hair, but now that i look at it i find myself seriously missing the way it was. oh well. it'll grow..at least.
anyway..it's March!
i'm kind if excited and kind of not. March gets to be diet month...but oh, it's going to be so tough. i need to lose weight. i'm miserable where i am right now. i'm going to be basically following the south beach diet because that's the only one i've ever tried before that i've lost weight on.
for me, it's really all about control. self control. ugh. it'd sure be easy enough if i only had food in this house that i could eat. but my dad is constantly bringing home all these breads and sweets home and when i see them, my body's instant reaction is "omg sugar!!! gimme gimme gimme! must have it NOW!!!!!"
oh yeah. because i guess i probably have a bit of a sugar addiction. so it's super, super tough, but i'm going to try.
i'll just have to deal when my body freaks out from me not eating so much sugar all the time. it will certainly be interesting.
and so...of course my dad is arguing with me about school. he thinks i should do online courses instead because, well, he has a one track mind. IT'S CHEAPER. oh wow.
seriously though, my dad is cheap. cheaper is better to him, almost no matter what else factors in.
of course, that caught me too though. the price. since it's a good deal cheaper than the other school i could go to.
it's just funny, and stupid, how he talks and has some sort of "attitude" whenever i say, "Well, i'll probably won't do the online school because i don't feel it's right for me." He keeps saying, "You don't have ALL the facts." But the only thing i really don't know is specifically what courses i'll be taking. like that really makes a HUGE difference.
seriously, he needs to stop pissing me off. i can tell he hasn't taken into consideration what it al really means for me, and how well online courses could actually for me. ew. just ew. gtfo already.
Plus, the lady i talked to via phone for online schooling is somewhat a bitch. seriously. you know, i found her to be quite rude at times, and acting like she knew it all, and not really listening to what i was saying about why i thought that online courses might not be such a good thing for me. she pissed me off, too.
so i mean, now i even this negative association with the online thing. it won't keep me from being sensible and choosing it if i really think it's what's best for me. but at the same time..i'm leaning against it.
back to my body issues. i'm really insecure about my weight. everybody tells me i don't look like i weigh as much as i do. but i certainly feel it. and i hate being overweight. i feel fat and ugly. honestly. i just don't like the way i look. i liked how i was back in the beginning of 2009. but gettig back there is going to be tough.
really, truly.
i'll do my best, though.
all my love,
Heather
i decided to change my hair, but now that i look at it i find myself seriously missing the way it was. oh well. it'll grow..at least.
anyway..it's March!
i'm kind if excited and kind of not. March gets to be diet month...but oh, it's going to be so tough. i need to lose weight. i'm miserable where i am right now. i'm going to be basically following the south beach diet because that's the only one i've ever tried before that i've lost weight on.
for me, it's really all about control. self control. ugh. it'd sure be easy enough if i only had food in this house that i could eat. but my dad is constantly bringing home all these breads and sweets home and when i see them, my body's instant reaction is "omg sugar!!! gimme gimme gimme! must have it NOW!!!!!"
oh yeah. because i guess i probably have a bit of a sugar addiction. so it's super, super tough, but i'm going to try.
i'll just have to deal when my body freaks out from me not eating so much sugar all the time. it will certainly be interesting.
and so...of course my dad is arguing with me about school. he thinks i should do online courses instead because, well, he has a one track mind. IT'S CHEAPER. oh wow.
seriously though, my dad is cheap. cheaper is better to him, almost no matter what else factors in.
of course, that caught me too though. the price. since it's a good deal cheaper than the other school i could go to.
it's just funny, and stupid, how he talks and has some sort of "attitude" whenever i say, "Well, i'll probably won't do the online school because i don't feel it's right for me." He keeps saying, "You don't have ALL the facts." But the only thing i really don't know is specifically what courses i'll be taking. like that really makes a HUGE difference.
seriously, he needs to stop pissing me off. i can tell he hasn't taken into consideration what it al really means for me, and how well online courses could actually for me. ew. just ew. gtfo already.
Plus, the lady i talked to via phone for online schooling is somewhat a bitch. seriously. you know, i found her to be quite rude at times, and acting like she knew it all, and not really listening to what i was saying about why i thought that online courses might not be such a good thing for me. she pissed me off, too.
so i mean, now i even this negative association with the online thing. it won't keep me from being sensible and choosing it if i really think it's what's best for me. but at the same time..i'm leaning against it.
back to my body issues. i'm really insecure about my weight. everybody tells me i don't look like i weigh as much as i do. but i certainly feel it. and i hate being overweight. i feel fat and ugly. honestly. i just don't like the way i look. i liked how i was back in the beginning of 2009. but gettig back there is going to be tough.
really, truly.
i'll do my best, though.
all my love,
Heather
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